It’s election day and you, dear Critic reader, may be in much the same boat as I and still wondering who on earth to vote for. So, I’ve written this handy and selectively exhaustive guide to the choices on offer, in alphabetical order. 

Alba Party

You may be asking yourself questions at this point. Questions such as, wait, there’s a party for Abba fans? No that’s Alba — the Scots Gaelic name for Scotland, a fact much appreciated by all 3,500 native Gaelic speakers. What on earth is it? A Scottish Nationalist party for people who know Alex Salmond, who was accused of sexual misconduct, did nothing wrong and was fitted up by shadowy enemies. But if you’re part of the Venn diagram of people who desperately want Scottish independence and oppose gender self ID, this is (the only) party for you. 

Alliance Party of Northern Ireland

Formerly the centrist dads of Northern Irish unionism, they are now cheerfully agnostic on the question, updating their relationship status with Great Britain to “it’s complicated”. Find Ian Paisley a bit scary? Then you can vote for Ian Parsley instead. Motto: “Please don’t hurt me, I voted Alliance”. 

Conservative and Unionist Party

Democratic Unionist Party

Have you read 100,000 words on the Irish border controversy? They’ve not only read them, they’ve written them. And just to show that unionist parties can have sex scandals too, they’ve recently lost their leader, Sir Jeffrey Donaldson, to a sexual assault allegation. Unionists have never felt more ignored, or had more misery inflicted on them by a succession of disaster-prone leaders. Vote for them to find out how deep the pit is. 

Green Party

Do you love clean energy, but hate nuclear? Love civil rights, but want to lower the global population? Believe in democracy, as long as it’s a sort of guided meditation that churns out progressive policies without the need for those pesky elections? You might just be a Green voter. But don’t be misled by the name — this is a big tent party now, with room not only for middle aged women who do yoga, but also those committed to liberating the holy places from the zionist occupier. Just ask recently elected councillor Mothin Ali, who proclaimed that Hamas has “the right to fight back”, and shouted “Allahu Akbar!” when he was elected. What can one say? From the Avon to the sea, Bristol will be free. 

Labour Party

The Tories are really terrible. 14 years! Do you like nurses? We do. Did you know that Keir Starmer’s dad was a toolmaker? Our plan? He made tools…with his hands. Did you see the massive Union Jack on our election leaflet? We’re getting Britain working again. How? Well through the vast number of jobs we’re going to create by eliminating every industry that emits carbon by 2030, obviously. Anyway, you’ll never guess what Sir Keir’s father did for a living…

Vote for them, don’t vote for them — you’ll be hearing a lot more of this for the next 5 years either way, quite possibly with rising shrillness and desperation as the country rapidly falls apart. 

Liberal Democrats

If you thought the Labour campaign was unserious, just watch a 50 clip reel of Ed Davey bungee jumping, doing water aerobics, falling out of a kayak, mud wrestling a pig, riding the teacups, making a cake, winning Takeshi’s castle, jumping into sewage and selling kisses at a county show. I leave it to readers to determine which of these actually happened. When asked a series of policy questions in an interview he said he was focused on winning Tory seats. Are you too going through a midlife crisis that has led to your friends screening your calls? Then embarrassingly hopscotch your way into a polling station and do the needful. 

Party of Women

A party of women, for women, by women. That’s biological women, if you were wondering — penis havers are invited to leave, thanks. Founded by the double double barrelled Kellie-Jay Keen-Minshull (better known as Posie Parker), it’s a single issue party that many take issue with, from Keen’s uncensored rhetoric, to her willingness to hang out with the likes of Tommy Robinson. Keen herself is standing in Bristol, which if nothing else promises to be hilarious. Vote for her (and it is her) if you want to be banned from the Vegan cafe down the road. 

Plaid Cymru

Is this some kind of kilt? No, it’s the party that Nessa off Gavin and Stacey would vote for. It’s in favour of Welsh independence, the Welsh language (even in areas where nobody speaks it, and don’t particularly want to learn), and free things, and is against nuclear power, which has the terrifying aura of something that might actually work. The party is led by Rhun ap Iorwerth, and peopled by other characters from the Mabinogion. Vote for it just enough that it continues, charmingly, to exist, but not so much that it’s forced to do distasteful things like govern Wales. 

Reform UK

Do you like Nigel Farage? If you live in Clacton, this is really the only question you need to ask yourself. For those living elsewhere, the question is if the other 600 hundred or so magnificently unvetted mavericks unleashed on the electorate by Reform are a good bet. I won’t presume to guess what your particular spin of the wheel netted you. I will say that in the constituency where I’m registered the Reform candidate used to turn up to one my favourite pubs naked and wielding a chainsaw, and was once charged with attempted murder for throwing a man in the River Trent. Say what you like about him (though not to his face) — he is a man who has bared his soul to the nation. 

Social Democratic Party

What if Reform UK, but they’re nice social democrats and have an extremely coherent economic policy? This is almost the Platonic ideal of what the median British voter wants, but sadly the median British voter is unaware of its existence. He remains in the cave of appearances, staring at Nigel Farage’s shadow dancing maniacally before a cowering Rishi Sunak. He doesn’t know that William Clouston is currently radiating pure political truth and virtue as post liberal political philosophers gaze upon him, dazzled. Vote for them if you want to look to their coming on the first light of the fifth day, possibly mounted on Shadowfax. 

Scottish Nationalist Party

You may want Scottish independence, but sadly these days it’s a package deal. As you wait for the tour bus to arrive at the main event, they keep stopping off to insist you embrace gender self ID, rejoin the EU, challenge the Zionist menace in Gaza and, with a feeling of small party inevitability, scrap nuclear power (which has the terrifying aura of something that might actually work). Just when, many hours into the miserable, bumpy journey you’re certain you must have arrived, you’re instead being ushered off the bus to watch a 2 hour documentary on the WASPI women, which the SNP wish to spend £10 billion paying off. Will the bus ever get to where it’s going? Vote for them if you want to find out. 

Sinn Féin

Are you a Northern Irish Catholic nationalist? How would you like to vote for a party that rejects every aspect of Catholic moral and social teaching whilst continuing to endorse terrorism? On to the stage strides Sinn Féin. It’s religious sectarianism without the religion, an LGBTQI+ inclusive party that doesn’t want to tell you where the bodies are buried. Vote for the SDLP instead.

Women’s Equality Party

What does women’s equality mean? I’ll halt my mansplain and centre a woman’s voice on this one: “Gender equality means better politics, more inclusive policies, a more vibrant economy, a workforce that draws on the talents of the whole population and a society that’s at ease with itself” (emphasis theirs). I like the idea of a “vibrant” economy. This is a party wearing a kaftan, founded by Sandi Totsvig, and 10 years behind the times. Inevitably it is in favour of gender self ID, and more amusingly still, is pro hijab. Vote for them if you’re currently a member of a book club.

Worker’s Party of Great Britain

We may not have a men’s equality party in name, but in the shape of “Gorgeous” George Galloway, we have one in substance. Don’t get me wrong, George loves women, so much so that he’s married four of them, mostly in tasteful Islamic ceremonies, though not all at once (possibly something to think about for the manifesto though). He’s been called a Communist. He’s been condemned as an Islamist. But really, he’s a Georgist. He’s probably the only man ever to have appeared on Novara Media to inform his aghast interviewer that he believed children should be raised by a mother and a father. Finally a political party for socially conservative playboys who like Islam — Andrew Tate has presumably already submitted his postal vote.