This article is taken from the July 2023 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

I recently paid a visit to the Vatican, a city in Italy made famous by Tom Cruise when he used it for a location in Mission Impossible 3. There’s an art gallery there and plenty of churches, many of which feature religious paintings. Having examined these images, I can now reveal that Jesus Christ was actually trans. 

The more I read about Jesus, the more impressed I am. My favourite quotation is: “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man cometh unto the father, but by me. My pronouns are she/her.” (Joan chapter 14, verse 6). 

Bigots will be furious that I have retrospectively transitioned Jesus

Bigots will be furious that I have retrospectively transitioned Jesus, but all the signs are there. Every single picture and statue of Jesus shows her with long hair and sandals, a sure sign of womanhood. Also, she was a carpenter, which is a popular career choice among lesbians. What more evidence do you need? 

One of the best things about intersectional activism is that we are allowed to reinterpret history to prove that we were right all along. Did you know, for instance, that Greta Thunberg threw the first brick at the Stonewall riots? Or that the founding fathers of the United States were black vegans? Or that Karl Marx was a disabled non-binary Filipino?

Besides, Jesus’s trans status should have been obvious from the start. She’s always had multiple identities, including: “Saviour”, “Redeemer”, “Bread of Life” and “Only Begotten Son” (her drag name). Sometimes, she embodied three identities in one and was known simply as “The Trinity”. Such was the fluidity of gender in Bronze Age Palestine. 

I have often been compared to Jesus Christ, and now it all makes sense. In many ways, I am her natural successor. We’re both Capricorns. We both look fierce in a kaftan. And we’re both staunch anti-capitalists who enjoy smashing up banks. 

Some people have suggested that for my next column I retrospectively transition the Prophet Mohammed. I’ll speak to my editor and get back to you. I’m sure there won’t be any objections …