This article is taken from the June 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

At a recent “comedy” show in Los Angeles, a brave audience member peacefully attacked comedian Dave Chappelle in self-defence against his violent jokes. Some reports have suggested that the assailant wasn’t a social justice activist at all, but a victim of mental illness. But the two are by no means mutually exclusive. Many of my best friends are clinically insane. 

Chappelle is well known for literally erasing the trans community through his hate jokes. This is why it is so important that he is censored. Besides, the fact that Chappelle — a black man — was assaulted on stage is irrefutable proof that his comedy incites violence against minority groups. 

This incident occurred only weeks after the actor Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Academy Awards for making problematic jokes about his wife. Soon after, Smith was presented with an Oscar, which was presumably the racist movie industry’s way of rewarding him for hitting a person of colour.

The time has come to put an end to comedy once and for all

Given the rise of bigoted comedy, I have decided to set up a “Humour Protection Squad” which will shut down stand-up gigs unless the material is pre-approved. Our prohibited topics include: BLM, Antifa, the NHS, Joe Biden, Meghan Markle, Greta Thunberg, womxn, Latinxs, blxck lxsbians, vegans, people of colour, people of girth, female penises and Angela Rayner’s legs. 

Comedy is a tool used by fascists to spread hate. A kind of hate spatula, if you will. The only acceptable comedy is the type that makes white people feel terrible about themselves and educates men about consent. I have always maintained that if you find yourself laughing at stand-up comedy, it probably isn’t sufficiently progressive. 

Laughter is the equivalent of a hail of bullets from a Messerschmitt. I haven’t so much as smiled since I was four years old, and that was just a facial spasm brought on by my allergy to gluten.

So the time has come to put an end to comedy once and for all. Even light-hearted jokes, if not properly regulated, can very quickly spiral out of control. Let’s not forget that Al-Qaeda started off as an improvisational sketch group.