This article is taken from the March 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issue for just £10.

To be woke is a blessing. We are the first human beings who have ever existed who are right about absolutely everything. It’s such a relief to know that our views will never be criticised or ridiculed by future generations.

In fact, there are all sorts of benefits to being on the right side of history. For one thing, we can encourage big tech censorship without any fear that it might one day be used against us. 

But it’s so exhausting having to constantly re-educate the masses. So far this week I’ve got a woman fired for claiming that sex is binary, shouted abuse at an old man collecting money for that imperialist “charity” the Royal British Legion and burned some books by Enid Blyton due to their outdated stereotypes. Important work never ends.

As a baby, my first words were: “Seize the means of production”

People often say to me: “Titania, how do you have the stamina to be constantly standing up for justice in the face of incredible odds?” I honestly don’t know the answer. I was fortunate enough to be born with innate talents and I suppose my most endearing features are my compassion, my eloquence, my formidable intelligence and, above all, my humility. 

I have always been socially and politically aware. As a baby, my first words were: “Seize the means of production.” Minority groups adore me, because I am brave enough to stand up for their rights, even when they don’t know what’s best for themselves.

This is not to suggest that I have not made mistakes. For instance, it is a source of constant frustration to me that my three houses are all in predominantly white areas. I have tried my utmost to acquire something in a more diverse area such as Tower Hamlets, but I’ve never been able to find a suitable three-bedroom detached house with a south-facing garden.

For all that, I have accepted my calling to re-orientate the world according to the values of progressivism and social justice. For we shall only achieve true diversity when everyone thinks the same way as me.