This article is taken from the May 2021 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issue for just £10.

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I feel physically sick. The government’s new “Commission on Race and Ethnic Disparities” has issued a report intended to gaslight us into believing that we are not living in a fascist state. My lived experience tells me otherwise, and that is surely far more reliable than “facts” or “evidence”.

As critics have noted, the report makes the astonishing claim that racism no longer exists in the UK. I mean, it doesn’t technically say that (it actually says that “racism still exists in the UK” and “has no place in any civilised society”) but we all know what the report’s writers were secretly thinking.

Anyway, the substance of the report is beside the point. Unless it confirms everything that I have already decided is true, it has absolutely no value whatsoever and all copies should be destroyed.

We all know that our educational system is institutionally racist. So when the report “proves” that all ethnic minorities with the exception of black Caribbean pupils outperform their white peers, this just confirms how racist the system must be. By targeting one specific racial group, and ensuring that whites do relatively badly, these fascist teachers are simply covering their tracks. It’s the oldest trick in the book.

This is what happens when you allow white people to talk about race. Although only one out of the ten of the report’s authors is actually white, it’s clear that he must have manipulated all the others. If the government had appointed me to helm this project, I would have been able to guide them towards the correct conclusions. Without white progressives like me to supervise them, ethnic minorities are helpless and easily exploited.

Thankfully, many commentators have lambasted these white-adjacent scumbags for publishing their hate facts. Labour MP Clive Lewis compared them to the KKK. Cambridge academic Priyamvada Gopal compared the report’s chairman, Dr Tony Sewell, to Joseph Goebbels. These are the kind of intellectual heavyweights we need to take charge of this debate.

The moral of this story is simple. While it is crucial that we amplify the opinions of people of colour, can we please ensure in advance that said people of colour hold the opinions we want to be amplified?