On Saturday, Fifa president Gianni Infantino told a packed press conference, “I feel a migrant worker”. This wasn’t an admission of guilt pending a #metoo exposé; it was part of a bizarre monologue about human rights ahead of the upcoming World Cup in Qatar. In a cringing display of tick box empathy, the wealthy Swiss-Italian also claimed to “feel” “gay”, “disabled”, “Arab” and “African”. 

Infantino also complained that people hadn’t been very nice to him about the decision to host the game in a Sharia state, and that he didn’t understand the criticism. To reach out, to demonstrate his personal experience of being an outsider in a hostile society, he disclosed: “As a child I was bullied because I had red hair and freckles.” Mercifully, Infantino is now bald, though sadly homosexual sex remains a crime in Qatar, and a woman’s testimony in a family court is still worth half of that of a man.

Infantino managed to restrain himself from wagging his finger

Infantino’s rambling 54-minute speech strung together vague claims about social justice with some helpful policy suggestions about migration and international relations. Most notably, he scolded Europeans for criticising human rights abuses elsewhere in the world. How very dare we!

“What we Europeans have done for the last 3,000 years, we should still be apologising for the next 3,000 years before starting to give moral lessons,” opined Infantino, who managed to restrain himself from wagging his finger.

Not only did Infantino evoke the spectre of colonialism to hammer home his point, he entreated critics of the decision to host the World Cup in Qatar to “educate themselves”. 

It’s tempting to imagine the strategy meeting ahead of the press conference with his public relations team. After rejecting the idea that the trip could be sold as an opportunity for an alcoholic detox, a sharp-suited, six-figure salaried shit advises the Fifa president:

 … if you get asked tricky questions about the estimated 6,500 dead migrant workers, male guardianship laws or the gays just accuse them of “hypocrisy” and add something about imperialism or whatevs. It’ll make them look insular and racist — which is the definitely the worst “ist”. It’ll be brilliant.

To a man at the top of an industry which buys and sells players from across the globe, borders might seem like a trifling irrelevance. Wealthy, white, straight and male — Infantino is as free to wander into the palace of a Middle Eastern monarch as he is in a gay bar in San Francisco. Whilst wanting to avoid the odious game of identity top trumps, there is something particularly grating about the arrogance of a man who claims to “feel” the oppression of others whilst imploring his critics to “educate” themselves.

Europe is a continent bound together by a respect for human rights

This is not least because those who have “educated themselves” can’t fail to notice that Europe is a continent bound together by a respect for human rights. Irrespective of the flaws of liberal democracies, we ought not to be ashamed to recognise that there are few places so tolerant, egalitarian or diverse as European cities. What should cause shame is the idea that people elsewhere in the world don’t deserve the freedom to love who they choose, to practise their religion and to have the right to a fair trial. Ultimately, wanting the best for our fellow humans is something to celebrate. The expressions of solidarity shown across the world with the women in Iran who are defying the authorities are powerful and moving. Should Europeans really instead “educate” themselves about the benefits of life in an Islamic theocracy?

Clearly, even Infantino doesn’t really believe in absolute cultural relativism. In a volte face that would’ve caused even former President Trump to blush, the Fifa president switched tack. After admonishing critics of the Qatari regime, he then posed the question “when you tell your child he’s an idiot and put him in his room, what do you think his reaction will be?” Presumably, Qatar is the child in this paternalistic analogy.

In his address there was a hint of Star Trek, with Infantino as a futuristic being looking at the petty squabbles of women, gays and disgruntled fans who want a pint and deciding that whilst he personally can judge a culture as infantile and backward, on behalf of the footballing federation he must follow the Prime Directive (for non sci-fi fans, that’s non-intervention). 

The multi-millionaire could’ve just been honest. He could’ve just said “I don’t care about human rights; my sole concerns are football and making money.” There even remains some merit to the idea that the World Cup could encourage cross-cultural dialogue, perhaps sewing seeds for future liberalisation. The approach Infantino chose was disingenuous and self-indulgent. He opted for a thin display of virtue signalling, dressed-up in the football shirt of progressive pieties.