This article is taken from the July 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

Another failure. Basically I decided to go to this life drawing class in Highgate, in response to Will claiming loudly while out for dinner with various parents from Hector’s school that “Claudia has zero passion.” 

On our return home, not speaking, he helpfully put this point to our three children. They all agreed, adding that the only things I seem to care about are paint colours, my forehead and their extra-curricular activities. 

Either the subject is a naked woman who is invariably much fatter than me, or a naked man. Win-win

Suddenly, I was thrown into existential dread that I am indeed the worst kind of “mom”. Also fear that perhaps I am setting the children an example of “the passionless life” — while allowing Will to pursue his passions (going to the cricket/rugby). 

The final straw was reading an online article called “Five Ways You Are Ageing Your Brain” which urged “taking up a hobby you have never tried before”. 

All these things led to Draw ’n’ Sip, the life drawing class. In a cruel twist of déjà-vu, the class is in the same extra-curricular dive where Hector used to do pottery club.

Draw ’n’ Sip is essentially perimenopausal (aren’t we all?) women getting drunk while drawing, in a room that smells like Swarfega. Either the subject is a naked woman who is invariably much fatter than me, or a naked man. Win-win. 

After ten weeks i was thoroughly in my stride, stumbling home every Wednesday night waving evidence of my passion (charcoal rendition of shadowy willy or saggy breasts) at Will. Admittedly the amount of Chablis consumed probably offset the brain-health benefits, but I was at least enjoying my weekly night out.

Except, the whole thing has gone tits up. LOL. (Actually should that be pear shaped?) Basically, one of the sitters, a sweet young man called Noah went and got obsessed with me. 

This came out when he approached me at the end of a class, dressed at least, and shyly passed me a little note — asking if he could draw me sometime, presumably envisaging a kind of Leo and Kate in Titanic moment. Why he was shy, having sat in front of me naked for two hours on several occasions, is a mystery. Artists.

Unfortunately, while I wouldn’t be averse to an affair in principle, Noah is both far too young and, as established, a struggling artist. Also, because of the nature of our meetings, I’ve had a full preview of his back hair. Let’s just say: multiple charcoal sticks required. 

This, THIS, is what you get for trying to address your brain health

Obviously after politely declining his offer of a naked portrait, I haven’t been able to face going back to the class. They don’t tell you in advance who will be sitting, so I have no way of knowing whether it will or won’t be two hours of a naked Noah glaring at me, or looking spurned. 

Worse, when I told Will I was “taking a break” from Draw ’n’ Sip he began crowing that I had “no sticking power”. Couldn’t let this slide, after 20 years of being married to him, and ended up explaining my awkward situation. This backfired completely. 

Will decided that I’d “obviously” been having an affair with “some random painter” all along, and had just been dumped by him so couldn’t bear to go back. This theory from the man who accused me of “having zero passion”.

This, THIS, is what you get for trying to address your brain health and model “taking time for yourself” to the children. 

The other outcome is that Minnie and Lyra are now desperate to do Draw ’n’ Sip themselves. First time, ironically, they’ve shown any interest in extra-curricular activities.