This article is taken from the November 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

The imminent US election has been a constant source of anxiety for me. The prospect of a literal fascist returning to the White House has triggered my self-diagnosed PTSD. I haven’t been this distressed since my niece spat out the puberty blockers I smuggled into her rusks.

Donald Trump has consistently sown division and hatred. In this election campaign there have been three assassination attempts against Trump, thereby proving irrefutably that he is guilty of inciting violence.

If Trump continues to speak in public, no doubt more innocent people will be goaded into attempting to shoot him, thereby putting themselves in danger of being killed by the security services. This is reckless behaviour.

Let’s not forget that Obama’s mother was white, which always meant he was 50 per cent problematic

Trump’s connections to fascism are easily proven. For instance, his second wife was Marla Maples, who was born in the town of Cohutta in Georgia. Cohutta is an anagram of “Taco Hut”, which is a conflation of Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. These are both examples of popular restaurants. It is in restaurants that one often finds sausages. The country most associated with sausages is Germany. And Germany was the home of the Third Reich.

Arguably, matters are even worse here in the UK. In July’s general election, I was put in an impossible position. I was never going to vote for a straight white male in the form of Keir Starmer, but the ethnic minority candidate was Rishi Sunak, an evil Tory. In the end, I spoiled my ballot by drawing a huge X in the box next to Sunak’s name. It was a small protest, but it felt good.

Kamala Harris is now the only hope for America. She is both mixed-race and female, which is far more important than “charisma” or “competence”. She is half-Indian and half-Jamaican, which means that she is even more oppressed than Barack Obama. And let’s not forget that Obama’s mother was white, which always meant he was 50 per cent problematic.

If Trump wins, I don’t think I will be able to cope. In fact, if he is elected again, I will be suing anyone who votes for him as compensation for my trauma. You have been warned.