Close, but no cigar

Dilyn the Dog and Bozzo have been playing dress up


This article is taken from the April 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

Pass me that cigar, will you?” Bozza is rummaging in the dressing-up wardrobe, and the room is a tip. On the floor is a made-to-measure hi-vis jacket that used to belong to someone called Osborne. Rishi next door gave it to us because it was “very much last decade’s cut” and also too big. There’s a pair of brown leather trousers that Cazza called “too awful for Oxfam”. 

Bozza got quite excited when he found a big box labelled “Dave: Manly War Leader”, full of khaki trousers and dark tops, but nothing fitted. “I can see why he left them behind,” Bozza said, as he struggled to get out of a black polo shirt. “He’s never getting into these again, the lardy biffer.”

“You can talk,” said Cazza. “What happened to your post-Covid diet?” 

“A man’s got to know his limitations. Now, what do you think of this?” Bozza is holding up some kind of huge green velvet piece of cloth, which seems to have arms and legs dangling off it. “Bozza, is that an adult baby romper suit?” Cazza sounds horrified.

“It’s a siren suit,” Bozza says. “Winston wore one.” He’s pulling it on. “Ah yes, nice and comfy. He and I are very much alike, you know.”

“You have mentioned it.”

“Should I make a speech about it? I must check which side the Russians were on in World War 2.” 

Bozza’s new friend Guto walks in, looks about him, and then stands up very straight and salutes. “Reporting for duty, sir!”

“Ah, Gut-ster! What do you think?” Bozza turns around to show off his outfit. 

“Magnificent, PM!” He pulls out a small notebook and jots something down. 

“Guto,” says Cazza, in her who’s-been-chewing-my-phone-cable voice. “Are you keeping a diary?”

“Goodness, no! Just an aide-memoire. Now, Captain Boris, put this Homburg on, and I’ll give the one of the Sundays a call. They’ll eat this up.”

It is nice to see them all so happy, and this seems the perfect moment for me to take a nap in a blue outfit that Bozza tried on earlier but rejected. As Cazza said, he just about pulled off the skirt, but the handbag was a bit much.

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