This article is taken from the August-September 2023 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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Three years ago, I wrote a column for this esteemed magazine in which I urged the public to modify certain phrases. I noted that the term “boy” should be replaced with “ungirl”, “vagina” with “front hole”, and “semen” with “hate syrup”.

I am delighted that my recommendations have since been superseded by even more progressive ones. Johns Hopkins University recently produced an “LGBTQ glossary” which redefined “lesbian” as a “non-man attracted to non-men”. And last month, the charitable organisation, Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust, demanded that the term “vagina” be rejected in favour of “bonus hole” in order to prevent causing offence to non-binary individuals. 

Some so-called “feminists” have claimed that terms such as “non-man” and “bonus hole” have misogynistic connotations. They fail to understand that activists such as myself are simply trying to create a more inclusive society. In the name of compassion and equality, these menstruators really need to shut the fuck up. 

In fact, I have rewritten Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet in order to show how these new phrases are not only progressive, but far more beautiful and romantic. “My bonus hole is as boundless as the sea,” says Juliet, “my love as deep.” 

If God exists, They should sue the church for misgendering Them for all these years

Other organisations are updating their language to keep pace with our more enlightened times. The Church of England is considering referring to God with gender-neutral pronouns in future. (Too little too late, of course. If God exists, They should sue the church for misgendering Them for all these years.) 

In March of this year, my favourite charity, Oxfam, produced an inclusive language guide which opened with an apology for the offensive language in which it was written: “We recognise that this guide has its origin in English,” it said, “the language of a colonising nation.” So while this is an important guidebook, it really ought to be burned after reading. 

Oxfam’s new guidelines also caution staff against saying that they “stand with” certain members of society, because this “potentially alienates people unable to stand”. I would add to this that we should no longer be referring to anyone as “handicapped”, “crippled” or “lame”. All of these terms are extremely offensive to the spastic community.