This article is taken from the December 2020 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering three issue for just £5.

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Although I hate everything that Piers Morgan stands for, I agreed to review his new book Wake Up to show that I am open-minded and willing to be challenged. My only condition was that I wouldn’t have to read it.

Needless to say, it’s one of the worst books I’ve ever not read. The dog-whistles scream out from the front cover (white, obviously) with the title Wake Up in huge, threatening block capitals. Male authors often attempt to intimidate women with aggressive fonts, and this is no exception.

Apparently his book contains lots of oppressive straight white male rhetoric about “woke culture” and “political correctness”. I briefly flicked through the pages just to be sure, and got a paper cut while doing so. This is just another example of male violence against women. I may sue. 

The blurb tells us all we need to know. Morgan claims he is “tired of being told how to think, speak, eat and behave”. What he fails to understand is that activists like me aren’t trying to police anyone’s speech or behaviour. We’re merely identifying those who don’t have the correct opinions and adding them to a list. When has that ever harmed anyone? 

Worse still, he claims that “the right to free speech and expressing an honestly held opinion is being crushed”. He thinks that woke activists like me are utterly intolerant and live in our own “echo chambers”. But I’ve asked all my close friends and they agree that this is definitely not the case.

I have spent my entire adult life fighting for equality, civility and basic human compassion. The last thing I need is some repugnant gammon scumbag like Morgan polluting the world with his moronic boomer ideas.

Most disturbing of all, he argues that “it’s time to cancel the cancel culture”, but everyone knows that cancel culture is just a myth invented by fascists. So if you know of anyone who has read Morgan’s book, please send me their name, address and employment details. 

I’ll do the rest.