Happy New Year, bigots

Failure to comply with my New Year’s resolutions will be considered a hate crime

Woke World

As the voice of a generation, I feel obliged to issue a series of New Year’s resolutions on behalf of society as a whole. They’re not so much resolutions as instructions, and failure to comply will be considered a hate crime.

Reject the gender binary. If you are still identifying as “male” or “female”, you are essentially a bigot. In case you haven’t heard, gender is a pernicious social construct. And the best way to prove this is to construct as many new genders as possible. There are currently over one hundred to choose from. My favourites include “demiman”, “demiwoman”, “polygender”, “multigender”, “genderqueer”, “genderfluid”, “transmasculine” and “two-spirit”. I’m also rather fond of “otherkin”, which is for people who identify as non-human. Like Barry Manilow.

Go vegan. If Charles Darwin was right, then all living creatures are related. So you can either choose to be a vegan or a cannibal. It’s a no-brainer. Besides, all living things are naturally vegan. I’ve got a vegan cat. It does keep chasing birds in the garden, but I assume it must think they’re some kind of flying vegetable.

Resist Whiteness. Try to befriend as many people of colour as possible in order to prove that you are progressive. If your partner is white, leave them for a Filipino or something. Anyone who has sex with a white person is implicitly endorsing white supremacy. You can also begin making reparations for slavery. Whenever you see a black person, give them some loose change. It’s important that they are treated with dignity.

Decolonise your language. Any words that have the potential to cause offence are a form of hate speech. For instance, activists have pointed out that we should avoid using idioms that dehumanise disabled people. This include “deaf to reason”, “crippling debt”, “turn a blind eye” and “total spaz”. In addition, we should avoid any references to feet, legs, arms, shoes, gloves, anklets, nail varnish, manicures, clapping, jumping, walking or Michael Flatley.

Oh, and buy my book. Even if you don’t read it, you can carry a copy with you wherever you go to prove that you’re not a Nazi.

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