This article is taken from the June 2023 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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“Sayonara!” says Rishi cheerfully, walking into the study. He’s just got back from a big trip to see lots of other leaders in Japan. “That’s a traditional Japanese greeting, apparently. Everywhere I went, people were shouting it to me.” In the corner James, who used to write nice things about us in The Times and now spends all day on a website called LinkedIn, puts his head in his hands.

“I’m not sure it means exactly what you think it means, darling,” says Akshata, gently. “But I’m glad you had a nice time.”

“I had a great chat with the local mayor. He said he’d heard about the local elections, and that people round there knew just how I felt, which was so kind.”

“Where were you again?”

“Hiroshima.” James makes a very strange noise.

He’s working on a list of oriental ideas Rishi could pursue. What is “seppuku”?

“Did you know that samurai were totally loyal to their leader?” asks Rishi. “Maybe we should incorporate some Japanese cultural ideas into our politics. You should look into that, James.”

People certainly aren’t being loyal to Rishi round here. Last week they had a big meeting about what was wrong with him. There were so many things to say that it went on for three days! 

It made him very sad. He was complaining about it to me during our morning stroll in the park. “They’re all making speeches about ‘returning to traditional Conservative values’,” he said last week. “Jacob and Suella and Lee and the rest. I live Conservative values! Akshata didn’t pay tax for years! What more do they want?”

Not everyone is horrible, though. There’s a man called Greg who keeps dropping by to tell us about a piece of paper that someone left behind saying there was no money. However sad everyone else is, he’s always cheerful. He says Rishi will win the election because no one wants to live in a country where nothing works and the government is in chaos.

One of the maids has come in to take me for my afternoon walk, and as we’re walking out I catch sight of James’s screen. He’s working on a list of oriental ideas Rishi could pursue. What is “seppuku”?