This article is taken from the March 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issue for just £10.

“See if that wallpaper will come off, it’s worth a thousand quid a yard!” Cazza is shouting to Nimco. The flat is full of open suitcases. That usually means wine time and then a lot of loud singing, but instead of taking bottles out, Cazza is putting things in the cases. 

“Apparently those candlesticks belonged to someone old called Pitt,” she says. “Put them in the Sotheby’s case.”

In the next room, Bozza is putting pieces of paper into the fire and shouting into his phone: “What do you mean, ‘stored in the cloud’? Speak English! I’m not Alan Turing! Well where are these servers? California? Can the SAS go to California? You’re all useless!” 

He stamps back through to Cazza. “What’s the point of having a burner phone if the messages don’t delete when I burn it? It’s not burning anyway, it’s just melting a bit and making the place stink worse than the bloody dog does.”

“Bozza,” says Cazza, using her mess-on-the carpet voice, “you don’t actually burn … I thought you’d had technology lessons.” 

“Don’t start that again. Any word from Zac?”

“Yeah. He says of course he’s good for the fines, anything up to 20 grand we can just take from the drawer in his desk, as per. Did you go through the books in the Cabinet Room?”

“Yes. There’s a first edition Disraeli that I think we can shift on eBay. But Case has his eye on me after he caught me trying to unscrew the Lowry on the stairs.”

“Speaking of eBay, I had a weird message on there the other day after I listed those box sets of 24 that Dave and Sam left behind. Somebody called Vlad_Klebb1917 said he collects official documents and asked if we had any lying around.”

“I suppose I could see what’s in those red boxes the office keeps putting outside the door.”

I am already creeping out. I know my duty, and I shall chew my way through those papers if it takes me all morning. Sometimes, a dog has to do what a dog has to do.