This article is taken from the November 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

Drag Queen Story Hour is one of the most empowering movements to emerge in recent years. Hiring drag queens to perform in schools and libraries promotes tolerance and prevents children from growing up to be fascists. I often think that if only a drag queen had read “Little Red Riding Hood” to Hitler in his infancy, World War II could well have been averted. 

Think about it. Drag queens are some of the most oppressed people in society. Why is it that grown men can’t walk in public wearing fluorescent wigs, stiletto heels and enormous prosthetic breasts without being stared at? The last thing these people want to be is the centre of attention. 

There have been a number of viral videos circulating recently of drag queens twerking in front of small children, or teaching them to dance for tips. Another saw a drag performance for kids with the phrase “It won’t lick itself” in large neon lettering on the upstage wall.

And while some bigots have claimed that all of this is “inappropriate”, I would argue that unless children are introduced to adult fetishes at an early age, they could well turn out to be homophobes or estate agents. 

But I wouldn’t stop at drag queens in schools

But I wouldn’t stop at drag queens in schools. I would like to see all midwives in hospitals replaced with dominatrices attired in skin-tight latex puppy outfits. All obstetricians should be in full rubberwear, preferably fitted with ball-gags, anal beads, and double-headed strap-on dildos. From the very second a baby enters this world, it is essential that it understands the importance of sexual diversity. 

Most children are trans anyway. We should never assume gender, even for the unborn. There isn’t an ultrasound in the world that can as yet detect a non-binary foetus. And we can hardly expect a child in the womb to announce its desire to transition. 

So please support your local Drag Queen Story Hour. Because if we deprive children of this wonderful experience, there’s a serious risk that some of them won’t grow up to earn a living gyrating on a podium whilst lip-synching to Donna Summer.