This article is taken from the November 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

“Prime minister, would you like to hold the cat?” I am being taken to see the New Boss. When she first arrived she was very difficult to control and kept marching about the place saying things firmly. Now she just sits under the Cabinet table, sipping cocoa.

“Am I allowed to hold it?” she asks. “Have you asked Jeremy?”

“The Chancellor says it’s fine, but afterwards you have to sign the papers he’s sent.”

I had hoped that the frankly long overdue departure of the previous guy, and his disgusting dog-thing, would make things a bit calmer around here. The new lot are certainly cleaner and there are fewer dog turds in the corridors, but there seems to be just as much screaming and weeping as before. It’s very hard to get any sleeping done.

I like to take my early-mid-afternoon nap on the Bloomberg terminal in the basement. For a couple of days a few weeks back, everyone used to crowd around this thing and point, but now they avoid it. One of the new people starts crying every time he looks at it.

“Perhaps I should be photographed with it,” says the boss, cautiously. I realise she’s talking about me. “People like animals. I’ve seen focus groups on the subject.”

“Great idea, PM! You’ve got such a grasp of the public mood!”

“It might help with my reset. We landed Unpopular With a Purpose –”

“We certainly did!”

“But I think it would help if, as well as me being unpopular, people liked me. I will be seen doing the things that people do. Like holding animals.”

“What a good idea, PM! Perhaps later we can make a list together of things that people do. In the meantime, I’ll see if I can get Parsons the Snapper from the Treasury for half an hour.”

“You’ll have to ask Jeremy for the Instagram password back.”

“Well, he did say he’d think about that this week.”

“Do you know, I think perhaps we might be turning the corner.”

“I’m sure we are, PM, I’m sure we are.”

I’ve got doubts myself. It’s funny. I’d just assumed they all had nine lives. The last guy did.