This article is taken from the July 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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Hats off to the Guardian for finally highlighting the plight of baby boomer stars still unfairly forced to earn a crust at this late stage of the game.

Speaking as part of the acting vintage who enjoyed their greatest financial success between 30 and 40 years ago, this former telly regular can confidently state he existed responsibly within his means during “peak” decades — confining myself to three divorces, obligatory overseas travel and humble living arrangements in Kensington/Dorset/Tuscany.

One could hardly have foreseen the current sorry state of affairs!

Ancient enmity

An apology to the hardworking folk running esteemed retired actors’ establishment Brinsworth House, following regrettable scenes during a recent visit.

Having planned to spend the afternoon reminiscing with an amiable former co-star, I instead found myself blindsided by the jibes of an elderly provocateur, seemingly bearing a grudge dating back to our time on Tales of the Unexpected.

While my response was deemed “disproportionate” by observers — resulting in a demand that I vacate the property with immediate effect — I wish it to be noted that this embittered individual’s comments were slanderous. 

I also trust this incident won’t have a detrimental effect on my own long-standing intention to eventually become a resident?

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Championing the one-lady Hamlet, Madame Izzard clarified with trademark humility that he’d been driven to appear in solo theatrical offerings since taking umbrage at being overshadowed by fellow cast members.

“Reviewers tended to look at the other roles and didn’t mention me,” Eddie explained. “This way you ensure you do get picked up on as there is no one else to talk about.”

Judging by those unfortunate reviews that followed, a return to the less indulgent world of the ensemble would appear overdue.

AS WE PASS THE HALFWAY MARK in 2024, a brief update on the lie of the land. While old-money English actors under 55 continue to awkwardly hide behind mockney accents and ageing pop star attire, middle-class colleagues feign humble origins with dreary inevitability. 

Revelling in the moral high ground, the genuine working-class star will bang on about lack of opportunities for “voices like mine”, though it may often seem like we’re hearing little else. 

◆ Contractually “delighted” to be returning as Downton’s Earl of Grantham, Mr Bonneville of course discreetly deems such nonsense to have seen better days. 

Though with separation from the first Mrs Bonneville expected to inflict a notable dent to the coffers (amid that delicate transition to potential Mrs B Mark 2!) dear Hugh embraces this lucrative tosh with trademark stoicism. 

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Condemned by the “authentic casting” mob for lacking real hunchback credentials since handing herself the role of Richard III at the Globe, said venue’s artistic director Michelle Terry sensibly retreats from hostilities with disabled extremists.

Riding instead to safer ground, this King Richard fashionably declares: “The misogyny has far outweighed the disability discourse.”

Of course it has!

Dinner party politics

With yours truly generally considered off the pace when it comes to party political matters, supper with North London thespian pals proves particularly informative.

As polling day fast approaches at the time of writing, I’m confidently told that their new government of choice is committed to working all manner of wonders on behalf of our crisis-hit arts! 

What’s more, should this enlightened administration ever appear to be coming up short in the years hence, we actors remain duty-bound to keep shouting about the wicked lot who were running things previously.

Suitably reassured, one finally departed into the night buoyed by thoughts of brighter days ahead!

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Attending yet another funeral for a fellow trouper, one couldn’t help taking exception to the increasingly ghoulish behaviour of contemporaries. As our number continues to diminish, the endlessly furtive glances among surviving septuagenarian/octogenarian character actors, attempting to guess who might keel over next, shows this relentlessly competitive profession at its most base.

ADDRESSING HIS EXCLUSION from the Bergerac reboot with predictable bitterness, John Nettles nostalgically adds of the original: “Actors were cast because they were talented and right for the part … it was never part of an argument about inclusivity or social engineering.” Just the sort of reckless talk that lands the old fool in trouble.

◆ Despite the latest sterling efforts of Equity, demanding more time off for actors, thousands of presently resting British thespians wish to clarify this isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker. 

On the bright side

Congratulations to mr cleese on the success of the Fawlty Towers stage show — officially the great man’s first generally favourable reviews since before the fall of the Berlin Wall!

While many of us feared all was long lost, this welcome return to form sees John sensibly focus on yesterday’s triumphs rather than persevering with problematic attempts to engage with the present. 

With Cleese now planning a similarly nostalgic West End production of 1979’s Life Of Brian (without the help of other non-dead Pythons), fingers crossed for a second commercial hit — not least because of the ungracious outburst from Eric Idle that surely follows. 

What the doctor ordered

After confirmation of a modest but pleasing role in a lucrative telly franchise filmed over in Croatia, the flustered agent informs me I’ve “failed” the medical!

One should have feared the worst when attempting to politely converse with the puritanical young woman responsible, not least her po-faced reaction to my answers regarding what she infuriatingly termed “lifestyle choices”. 

With time distinctly pressing, I’m demanding a second opinion — ideally from that delightful doctor who signed off Olly Reed for Gladiator.