This article is taken from the July 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

 Joe Biden’s critics have no moral compass. They spread lies about him showering with his daughter and sexually assaulting former employees. Only a complete idiot could believe something so absurd. Unlike that dossier which proved that Donald Trump had hired Russian prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed once occupied by the Obamas, which definitely happened. 

To claim that Biden shouldn’t be president simply because he struggles to speak or walk is the most outrageous form of ableism. And so what if he occasionally sniffs women’s hair? Or that he has the look of a priest who has been strategically relocated? 

I have no hesitation in saying that Joe Biden is the blackest of lesbians

All that matters is that Joe Biden is not Donald Trump. It should be obvious to everyone by now that Trump represents an existential threat to American society. Biden therefore has a responsibility to ensure that Trump is imprisoned and prevented from campaigning. It’s the only way to save democracy. 

Close analysis of the polls reveals that there is a serious risk of Trump being elected if he wins more votes. One of the major flaws of the democratic system is that it only works if people vote the correct way. Some of the worst tyrants in history were elected, including Adolf Hitler, Robert Mugabe and Boris Johnson. 

Perhaps democracy was a fascist project all along. After all, “democracy” is an anagram of “creamy cod”, which was my least favourite entrée as a child. I refuse to accept that this is a coincidence. 

Although Biden is currently flagging in the polls, there are some surefire methods he can use to ensure his success. First and foremost, he needs to keep reminding the American public that unless they vote for him they are evil and racist. The only reason Hillary Clinton lost in 2016 is that she didn’t refer to the electorate as “deplorables” often enough. 

It could be argued the last thing we need in the Oval Office is another straight white male. But race, gender and sexuality is actually determined by our political affiliations and how we choose to vote. Therefore, as the person who previously ousted Donald Trump, I have no hesitation in saying that Joe Biden is the blackest of lesbians.