This article is taken from the May 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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I was recently invited to Meghan Markle’s mansion in California for a brainstorming session on how to challenge privilege. We chatted over a light luncheon of vegan shakshuka, braised turmeric tofu and some truffle-infused seaweed that Meghan had helicoptered in that morning from Guyana.

The Sussexes do like to keep their carbon footprint to a minimum, so they only ever use one helicopter at a time.

I for one have been shocked that Meghan and Harry’s lifestyle and wellness projects have not been better received. Meghan’s Archetypes podcast with Spotify didn’t prove as successful as she’d hoped, partly because nobody seemed to be interested in what she had to say.

My feeling is that the public needs to get to know the real Meghan. People should realise what a positive influence she has been on Harry. For one thing, his toxic masculinity has all but disappeared ever since she removed his testicles for an installation art piece.

As Meghan said to those 17 million viewers, she just wants her privacy

Now, the couple are planning to re-establish their brand in the UK. It turns out that Harry’s decision to write a book slagging off the Royal Family hasn’t endeared him to the British people. The masses are so fickle.

It hasn’t been easy for them. The British media is so inexplicably hostile to Meghan, just because she said they were all evil and racist. In the end, the couple were forced to flee to California to live a quiet and reclusive life. As Meghan said to those 17 million viewers on that interview with Oprah Winfrey, she just wants her privacy.

Even now, the press won’t stop writing articles about Harry. They twist everything he says to try and make him look bad. Some journalists even implied that there was something “weird” about the part of his book where he mentioned that he daubed his penis with his late mother’s favourite lip cream.

After the success of their Netflix documentary, though, Harry and Meghan are keen to branch out into making movies. I hear that they’re considering a feminist reimagining of The Godfather, or possibly an all-black remake of Schindler’s List.