This article is taken from the August-September 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

Over the past few years, brave activists such as myself have attempted to reorganise society through the lens of group identity, censor problematic language and control the speech of citizens, rewrite history and the arts and school curricula in service of our message, override the concept of the sex binary, and destroy the livelihoods and reputations of anyone who failed to comply. Then some bigots came along and started a culture war by complaining about it.

Thankfully Lisa Nandy, the new Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, has announced that under this new Labour government “the era of culture wars is over”. It wasn’t long ago that Nandy was roundly criticised for saying that male rapists who identify as female should be housed in women’s prisons if they so choose. Now that the culture war is finished, no one will be able to object to such a reasonable position.

Unlike the culture warriors, Labour understands that our country is a racist hellhole

We have always known that the culture warriors would be defeated by Labour. Remember when Keir Starmer took the knee for BLM to demonstrate his opposition to the culture war? Or when Jeremy Corbyn as party leader declared his pronouns and charged white people higher ticket prices to hear him speak at a public event? It was inevitable that certain reactionaries would try to ignite a culture war by grumbling about it.

Unlike the culture warriors, Labour understands that our country is a racist hellhole. It’s so tragic that so many hundreds of thousands of migrants have been tricked into wanting to come here. If only they knew the hideous truth about Britain, they would have surely tried to flee to more enlightened countries, like Syria or North Korea.

Now that the culture war is definitely over, Labour will be able to implement its Race Equality Act based on the principles of Critical Race Theory. This brilliant new policy will “enshrine in law the full right to equal pay for black, Asian and ethnic-minority people”. Just because it’s been a criminal offence to pay people differently because of their race since 1965, that doesn’t mean we don’t need a new law to make it twice as illegal.

Take that, culture warriors!