Artillery Row

The modern age in lists

Plain in view, huge and hateful, all disguise cast off

‘Conservatives and Johnson supporters are less ecstatic. Some seem to believe that Southgate is becoming a tool of deep Woke — with one Tory strategist telling me that the England manager’s patriotism essay was “suspiciously well-written”.’

Financial Times

Tories fear England Manager Gareth Southgate may be a tool of “Deep Woke”, according to the FT. Meanwhile, Dominic Cummings has revealed that he warned Boris Johnson the “Deep State” would try to thwart him in his goals as prime minister, should he turn out to have any.

But just who are the shadowy organisations that secretly run every aspect of our lives? The Critic, at the risk of being killed by the Templars or abducted by the Illumanti, offers for the first time a comprehensive guide. We are unable to comment on suggestions that we’re in the pockets of Big List, or whatever the Russian for Big List is; obviously we are, we’re just literally unable to comment.

Deep State

A terrifying network of civil servants, judges and politicians, in the pockets of Big Rules, that stands in the way of anyone who wants to deliver Real Change to Whitehall.

Insidious message: “No, Dom, you can’t tell the police to shoot special advisers you don’t like. Well, lots of laws, actually.”

Deep Woke

A chilling group of sports administrators, museum curators and academics, in the pockets of Big Polite, dedicated to outraging The Daily Telegraph by explaining how all those wealthy 18th Century merchants made their money.

Insidious message: “Why would you pay hundreds of pounds to watch your national team and then boo them before they even start playing?”

Just who are the shadowy organisations that secretly run every aspect of our lives?

Deep Breath

A frightening organisation of health professionals and scientists, in the pockets of the Respiratory-Industrial Complex and Big Mask, who will stop at nothing to prevent the spread of preventable diseases on London Underground.

Insidious message: “Please don’t cough in my face.”

Deep Throat

The sinister cabal of civil servants, in the pocket of Big Ben, that work to undermine the public’s belief in the competence of the government by leaking ministers’ ideas to the press.

Insidious message: “That’s certainly not an idea anyone has suggested before, Home Secretary.”

Deep Vein Thrombosis

The powerful group holding back our aviation industry. In the pocket of Big Stockings.

Insidious message: “This wouldn’t happen on a bicycle, would it?”

Deep Tissue

A fearsome outfit of masseurs and physiotherapists, in the pockets of Big Thumb, and Deep Heat, determined to release tension in sore muscles, while telling you about their holiday in Tahiti and leaving you feeling vaguely self-conscious.

Insidious message: “Now, have you been keeping up with your exercises?”

Deep Thought

An alarming supercomputer, in the pocket of Big Philosophy, built to find the answer to life, the universe and everything, as well as computing the possible number of Johnson babies dotted around London.

Insidious message: “42, at least. He may not even know.”

Deep Fried

The shocking force, in the pocket of Big Portions, that is keeping us from shedding our lockdown pounds.

Insidious message: “I taste better than anything you have at home.”

Deep Water

An inscrutable school of British fish, always at risk from foreign fishermen. Somehow, for reasons we don’t understand, in the pocket of Big EU trawlers.

Insidious message: “I am not just a metaphor; why do the EU always insist on sticking to the things we agreed with them?”

Deep Pockets

An enigmatic association of billionaires competing to show off by either researching the most vaccines or being the first into space. Sewn into the lining of Big Trousers.

Insidious message: “Admit it, you’re so impressed you might sleep with me.”

Deep Dive

A mysterious conspiracy of reporters dedicated to producing long, long, long reads that you know you’ll never finish and probably regret starting. In the pocket of Big Words.

Insidious message: “Reading is hard. Why do you think Boris was paid so much to write?”

Deep Purple 

A formidable rock band in the pocket of Big Chords, this ever-changing group has not only recorded 21 studio albums over five decades, it has also found time to oversee every global power shift from the Chilean coup to the fall of Trump.

Insidious message: “Smoke on the water, A fire in the sky, Smoke on the water.”

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