Artillery Row

Boris Relief: the Tory telethon you’ve been waiting for

Dig deep, otherwise Carrie will have to publish her diaries

It’s Covid-time, and there are reasons to be afraid. At Covid-time, we stay at home and binge Netflix. But there’s a world outside your window, and it’s a world of dread and fear. Specifically, it turns out, this is the world of the Downing Street flat, where “friends” of the prime minister tell The Times that he’s “worried and complaining about money.”

It is with this in mind that The Critic is launching its Christmas charity appeal a little early this year. We’re asking all our readers to dig deep, and do what they can to help our designated charity, The Society for the Charitable Relief of UK Governing Etonians.

SCROUNGE does vital work to support a neglected group in our society: national leaders from the top drawer. Many of those it helps are living from one meeting with the Queen to the next, forced to get by with the support of just a single cleaner. Earning as little as £150,000 a year, they must pay tax on the government accommodation in which they’re forced to live, and cover the cost of their own meals from the Downing Street kitchen. Often, they only have access to a single country house to stay in at weekends.

Let’s take “Boris” (not his real name – that’s “Al”). “Boris” became prime minister after a series of freak events for which he was only largely responsible.

Having previously got by on a chickenfeed rate of £350,000 a year in his previous job recycling jokes, his income has been cut in half. And that isn’t the only pain. Former friends such as “Toby” have turned their backs on him. Not even Laurence Fox is willing to play at a charity concert to raise funds for a nanny.

Here are just a few examples of how you could make a difference:

£20,000 will pay a year’s school fees for one of an undetermined number of blond children spread across Kensington and Chelsea.

£10,000 will buy two days worth of legal support as “Boris” discovers what happens when you get divorced from a lawyer.

£500 will buy a decent dinner at the Ivy with a Tory researcher.

£300 will pay for an afternoon in a central London hotel.

£20 will buy a return flight to Perugia on Ryanair.

£10 will buy, well, cripes, £10 really doesn’t buy anything these days, does it?

So please, search your heart – and your wallet – and that totally legitimate transfer of funds your utterly British firm has just got from a friend. Whose name is also Boris. Is actually Boris in fact. Weird coincidence. Every thousand helps. Put your arms around “Boris” this Covid-time. Though not literally.

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