Break a leg

Woke Oscars tries to cripple the film industry, Stonewall capture the police and the Scottish enlightenment is cancelled

Scullionbait
Blofeld’s eye injury and Bond’s penchant for disabling his victims helped to make 007 more woke

Break a leg
While the film industry is busy postponing releases and worrying about how to film socially distanced actors, the Oscars is focussing on the real problem – films that feature healthy white men. After next year, any film submitted for best picture will need to meet “inclusion thresholds” by meeting two of the four standards which include things like having a non-white lead, having 30% of non-lead actors who aren’t white, and a story-line that focusses on women, non-white people, or people who have disabilities. Thankfully James Bond has already gone woke, but perhaps some of the old plot lines are more progressive than we realised? Sure, Bond isn’t a perfect example of wokery. In Goldfinger he saved the day by de-lesbianing Pussy Galore (which stopped her from being evil) but the film franchise has at least tried to be inclusive towards disabilities. Bond villains have often suffered from physical handicaps, and 007 has always tried to handicap at least 30% of the able-bodied characters during the course of the film. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “hitting diversity targets”.

The White-only ‘cafe’

Flat White
The University of Michigan-Dearborn really got into the swing of segregation when they hosted two online ‘cafes’: one for POCs and one for people who do not identify as POCs, (that’s a black cafe and a white cafe to bigots like you). The University have since apologised for segregating on race, and said it had only wanted to let “students from marginalized communities a space that allowed for them to exist freely”, and let white students  “the opportunity to deepen their understanding of race and racism without harming or relying on students of color to educate them.”  Woe betide any non-POC in a real cafe who gets a POC staff member to explain why black coffee has been marginalised for so long. Remember how milk is a symbol of white supremacy?

Multiple police forces are Stonewall champions and pay an annual subscription. (Photo by Andres Pantoja/Getty)

Trans-Police
A new report by the anti-Trans hate group known as Fair Cop reveals that the police have become so inclusive in Britain that they’re now enforcing laws that only exist in the minds of LGBT lobby group Stonewall. Everyone knows it’s borderline fascist to wait until laws get made by the House of Commons before you start policing them. Imagine how many people would get ‘misgendered’ on Twitter if we waited for democracy? Sadly ‘Misgendering’ somebody is not yet a crime, but British police forces, which pay a chunk of their money to Stonewall every year, are categorising it as a “non-crime hate incident” which appears on somebody’s criminal record. You’re still unfortunately free to be a Terf, but at least the police can make sure you won’t get a job.

Own Goal
The Premier League have kicked off the words “Black Lives Matter” from their shirts and replaced the name of the Marxist group bent on destroying society with a simple anti-racist message instead. When the 2020-21 season begins on Saturday, players will take the knee before the game starts but their shirts will carry the slogan “No Room For Racism” instead.

Critics gave it 9, the public gave it 1

Cuties?
Is Paedophillia now woke? Louise Perry has noted that new Netflix film Cuties, which contains an amateur dance troupe made up of 11-year old girls who wear skimpy outfits and twerk, has been praised by reviews in The Washington Post, Rolling Stone, The New Yorker, and even The Daily Telegraph. Perry thinks it is partly due to the fact that the left love whatever the right hate, but suggests “a tolerance on the Left for twerking 11-year olds has more disturbing ideological roots”. Perry probably means the left’s hatred of producing things people actually want. Netflix were quick to ban Gone With the Wind for perceived racism, one of the most financially successful blockbusters ever, but film website Rotten Tomatoes reveals the public gave Cuties 1/10. Truly a laudable effort by Netflix in fighting against capitalism.

Hume Tower: A crime against architecture

We’re all Human
For years the tower of the Scottish Enlightenment David Hume had suffered the indignity of having the second ugliest building in Edinburgh named after him, but activists have now forced the University of Edinburgh to rename Hume tower 40 George Square in the mistaken belief that they are stripping him of an honour.  The move came after an academic discovered in 1766 Hume had encouraged his patron, Lord Hertford, to buy a plantation in Grenada. Hats off to Felix Waldmann, a former David Hume fellow at Edinburgh for making the discovery. It must have taken ages to scroll back through Twitter to find the offending Tweet.

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