Haterose
In an attempt to purge itself of the taint of its hateful brand colour (OrangeMan bad) Sainsburys has listed itself as an LGBT-friendly organisation on Google maps. But it gets better, as Titania McGrath writes in this month’s Critic. The supermarket has started berating customers with reservations about the Black Lives Matter movement. “We proudly represent and serve our diverse society,” the so-so grocers announced, “and anyone who does not want to shop with an inclusive retailer is welcome to shop elsewhere.” Clearly anyone who does shop elsewhere should take a long, hard, look at themselves in a non-white room.

Gold that funds the Rainbow
Readers will be outraged to discover that the taxpayer is only paying barely £600,000 a year for numerous government agencies to become one of absolutely apolitical organisation Stonewall’s “diversity champions”. Accounts for the year 2019 show Stonewall grifted, I’m sorry, I mean, took in about £1.5 million in donations. Which suggests that the miserly, structurally homophobic taxpayer is potentially only shelling out 40% of the annual income of Britain’s premier Terfbaiters. Thankfully the Telegraph suggests £600,000 is only the minimum the Government is spending as many agencies don’t disclose how much they pay for the privilege of feeling good about themselves – probably in order to keep it secret from evil right-wing columnists and the TPA. Rest assured, the amount they are taking increased from 2018 to 2019 and includes roughly 250 Government departments and public bodies, including police forces, local councils and NHS trusts.

Sometimes I shudder to think on what would have happened if Jeremy Corbyn had become PM, and inevitably ruined the public finances. As how on earth would all of these good causes have been funded then? We know the bigoted public won’t voluntarily fund it. So hoorah for doughty Theresa! and three cheers for brave Sir Boris!

Identity Politics
The US Supreme Court may be involved in deciding the next President of the United States, but our own version has gained significant power since it bravely tried to take back control from the voters Theresa May’s attempt to drive a hard Brino, I mean, Brexit in 2017. The fact that we can’t rely on the people of Sunderland to make the right decision anymore means it’s vital that we ensure our top Judges are as left-wing inclusive as possible. After the retirement of Lady Black in January the Court is patronisingly encouragingly and supportively asking for ethnic minorities and women to apply. They try to reassure those who believe in the Nazi-ajacent ideology of “meritocracy” by saying the successful applicant will be selected on “merit” but add: “if the commission considers two persons to be of equal merit, it may prefer one of them over the other for the purpose of increasing diversity”. Don’t worry, there’s a loophole here – a non-white face is worth at least 10 years experience at the bar.

Sometimes I shudder to think on what would have happened if Jeremy Corbyn had become PM, and inevitably ruined the colour blind application of justice with politicised appointments made for ideological reasons. As how earth would all of these good cases have been ruled on with the wrong sort of judges, who don‘t look right and wear smashing hats in private life? We know the bigoted bar won’t voluntarily find the right QCs. So hoorah again for Theresa! and still more cheers for Boris!

Expelliarmus!
The BBC has invited a fan of author J.K. Rowling to present a 30-minute Radio 4 documentary called: ‘Can I still read Harry Potter?’. Obviously the answer will be no, after the bestselling author committed hatecrime for ridiculing the phrase ‘people who menstruate’. The activist who works at Vox totally normal fan called Aja Romano the presenter of the documentary lists her pronouns as “They/she”. They/She has already made up her mind, accusing Rowling of ‘pernicious hate’, but fair play to the BBC for trying to fulfil its charter by subtly explaining to the unwashed masses what they are allowed to read. Sometimes I shudder to think on what would have happened if Jeremy Corbyn had become PM and not made Charles Moore chairman of the BBC. Oh wait.

Need a bigger memory hole
Shame on Jesus College, Cambridge, after the lazy port-addled dons announced that they are too incompetent to properly erase Tobias Rustat – one of the College’s most generous historic benefactors – from history. His (very present tense) crime is investing in the Royal African Company which traded in slaves in the mid-17th Century. While, thankfully, they have removed his official portrait, renamed the College’s Rustat Feast, the Rustat Conferences and plan to physically remove his memorial [squeeze in damnatio memoriae somewhere, there’s a good chap – Ed.], evidently it was too much like hard work for the idle academics to get round to renaming the Rustat scholars’, widows’ and clergy children’s funds. These were created by the terms of his will, thus pesky charity law means that instead of changing the name, they will inform anybody who receives a benefit from them that they are literally talking blood money which will stain their souls forever, but keep their CVs relatively clean as far as McKinsey and Linklaters are concerned Rustat had a role in the slave trade.

It’s hard to see how any fair minded person couldn’t come to the conclusion that Jesus – which, to add insult to injury, is named after a prominent Palestinian anti-colonial activist – isn’t actually in favour of chattel slavery. Sometimes I shudder to think on what would have happened if Jeremy Corbyn had become PM and the Education blob, long ago slain by Michael Gove and Dominic Cummings, had somehow been able to reappear, like Grendel’s mother, in that really long, boring, and badly spelt poem. But you’ll have grown tired of the hurrahs for Theresa and the cheers for Boris by now, I fear.