This article is taken from the October 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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From: Morgan McSweeney

Subject: Desk

Look, I take your point about the shortage of space, but the place you’ve got me now isn’t even in the same postcode as the boss. Any chance of a rethink?

From: [email protected]

Subject: To the barricades!

We, the special advisers of the Labour Party, seek justice! Did we slave for years in opposition, delivering victory through our policy papers and press releases, only to have to starve once we were in power? We demand:

• A Living Advisers Wage across Government
• Work From Home Fridays
• Better Coffee in the Basement Machine
• The Banishment of the Traitor Gray

Aux armes! Liberté, égalité, un peu more pay!

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Gmail trace

Very simple, yes. Just send me the email address.

From: Oliver Robbins

Subject: Re:

Travellers, 6pm. Table booked under “Mr Twist”.

From: Katie Martin, HMT

Subject: Re: Operation Goodnight Gran

Rachel says of course they can meet if Keir wants, but there’s nothing to discuss. He just needs to hold the line. Have you seen the size of the pensions bill?

From: Simon Case

Subject: Off record

How about something like “One insider said the atmosphere was febrile. ‘It’s not the happy ship it was when Simon was running the show.’”? No fingerprints though, please.

From: Simon Case

Subject: SENDER REQUESTS RETRACTION OF MESSAGE “Off record”

This is an automated message. Sender Case, Simon requests the retraction of the message “Off record”. Please delete it from your inbox. For further information, please contact your IT department.

From: The Office of Liam Conlon MP

mum what’s triangle with cross mean on washing label?

From: [email protected]

Subject: APOLOGY

I would like to express my deep regrets about the recent email sent from this account. It was intended as a joke to lift our spirits after a tough summer, but I realise that some may have taken it seriously. This was never my intent. I apologise in particular to Sue, who is working extremely hard to deliver Labour’s priorities for hardworking people.

From: Morgan Sweeney

Subject: Re: Rethink

Very funny, but I’m not commuting to Darlington. Let’s leave things as they are. Can I get my pens shipped back, please?