This article is taken from the November 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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From: Morgan McSweeney

Subject: Desk

Hi Sue, hope you’re enjoying your regional tour. You left in such a hurry that you didn’t have time to clear your desk. There’s O’Neill’s Music Of Ireland and The Good Pub Guide 1987. Where shall I send them? I’ve completely lost track of where your desk is these days.

From: The Office of Liam Conlon MP

mum since you got your new job none of the other mps are replying to my messages any more also I cant find my blue trousers do you think someone stole them?

From: Morgan McSweeney

Subject: Re: Meeting with Keir?

Ah Sue, I’m afraid that’s going to be a bit tricky this month. Lot of post-Budget stuff, you know how it is.

From: FDA Mailbox

Subject: Re: Constructive Dismissal Inquiry

Thank you for emailing the First Division Association workplace rights unit. Your email is very important to us and someone will reply as soon as possible. Please note we operate a flexible working environment, and are only staffed 10am-4pm, Tuesday-Thursday.

From: Office of Oliver Robbins

Subject: Re: Quick chat?

Hi there, I’m afraid Olly is travelling at the moment, and is likely to be for the next few weeks, so it doesn’t look like he’ll have a chance for a call. He did ask me to pass on his congratulations on your new role.

From: The Office of Liam Conlon MP

dont worry they were under my jumper

From: Morgan McSweeney

Subject: Deal?

We found the prawns you so thoughtfully left behind the radiator, but there’s still something here, isn’t there? How about you tell me what else you hid, and I return the signed Taylor Swift t-shirt you forgot in the bottom drawer?

From: Simon Case

Subject: All well?

Dear Sue,

Didn’t see you at the morning meeting today. I suppose you’re busy in your new role. I do hope you’re enjoying all the travelling. Feel free to stop by my desk any time you’re in the office. You might need to phone ahead if your pass doesn’t work. All my very best wishes, Simon Case (Still) Cabinet Secretary (Still) 10 Downing Street