This article is taken from the April 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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There has been much chatter recently, both in the media and online, about the possibility that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine will lead to a nuclear holocaust. As annoying as this would be, has anyone stopped to consider how the wholesale elimination of life on earth will affect minority groups? 

Studies show that at least 73 per cent of the world’s population is non-white. This means that the majority of people are minorities. Therefore, destroying the planet would be an act of white supremacy. QED. 

This is hardly surprising, given that the inventor of the atom bomb, J. Robert Oppenheimer, was a straight white male. So too is Vladimir Putin. One cannot help but think that if only Putin had signed up to Stonewall’s Diversity Champions scheme, all of this could have been avoided. 

Indeed, the Russian military has a woeful record when it comes to social justice and inclusion. For some reason, they are more interested in “combat training” than ensuring that soldiers are addressed by the correct pronouns. A bayonet to the stomach might be unpleasant, but it’s nothing compared to the literal violence of being misgendered. 

Thermonuclear explosions are also problematic. Delivered via phallic missiles, they simulate the violence of straight male sexuality and symbolise the power of heteronormative patriarchy. Naming an aircraft Enola Gay doesn’t make it any less homophobic. 

Of course, there are some benefits to Armageddon. Heterosexuals would no longer be able to claim that they have a reproductive function, because the human race would be extinct. And whiteness would be eliminated overnight because there wouldn’t be any white people left, which would mean that racism would finally be over. 

If white people really cared about equality, they would kill themselves. The fact that so many of them haven’t tells us all we need to know about their inherent bigotry. Some good news, however. The last time we had a world war, 384,000 men and 1,000 women in the British armed forces were killed. There are no recorded incidents of non-binary soldiers perishing in combat, which might suggest that they are immune to the effects of war. 

Every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.