This article is taken from the August/September 2021 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issue for just £10.

“Bitch!” It was nearly bedtime, and Cazza and Bozzo were staring at their phones. Usually, when Cazza says things like that it’s because she’s looking at Bozzo’s phone messages, and afterwards she throws things and he has to sleep on the sofa.

But this time, she was telling us about someone who was moving in next door. Her name is Nova, and she’s a dog. This is exciting, because I am also a dog. “Bit of a looker!” said Bozzo when he saw her picture. “Not like you eh, filthy mutt?”

Cazza looked at him. “No one is more beautiful than my lovely Dillers,” she said, kissing my head. “Maybe they’ll get on. It wouldn’t be the first time a young beauty had fallen for a shaggy old hairball, would it?”

Bozzo is gazing at me in the way he does when he finds me in his snack cupboard. I don’t like it.

So today I am meeting Nova. Rishi has brought her round. “Hello!” I say. “You’re a dog! I’m a dog, too!” She looks at me. “If you say so,” she replies.

She sniffs the wallpaper. “Bit much, isn’t it,” she mutters. “But I suppose we can fix that.”

I try to make her feel welcome. “Would you like some food? Cazza’s friend Lady JCB sends her butler over with steak every morning.”

“Steak?” Nova looks horrified. “How very … I’m on an all-fish diet. Much better for my cholesterol.”

“Chewing everything, is she?” Bozzo asks Rishi. “Lots of accidents?” “Not really. Took her a week to learn to flush the loo after she’s used it. It’s a better look than someone trotting round the park with those little bags, don’t you think?”

Bozzo is gazing at me in the way he does when he finds me in his snack cupboard. I don’t like it.

Rishi runs his finger along the edge of Bozzo’s desk, and makes a face at the dust. “It’s good for a politician to have a dog, I think,” he says. “Gives him a human side. Public wants to know their prime minister isn’t just some sleek multi-millionaire with a razor-sharp mind and a beautifully toned body.”

“Well, I don’t think anyone would say that about me,” says Bozzo.

“You? No, no, quite right, PM. They wouldn’t say that about you.”

Don’t look sad, Bozzo! Nova says that soon you’re going to have much more time to take me for walks!