This article is taken from the August/September 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

“Darling, I simply can’t go under a mil for a knighthood, even if it is his birthday. These are already mates’ rates.” Cazza is on the phone again, making a list on some purple notepaper she found in a drawer. “Tell you what, how about if you offer a month on the yacht each summer? Oh don’t worry, he won’t be coming. No, promise. OK, done, and I’ll throw in a square of the wallpaper. No, don’t send the money here. Talk to Ben about that.”

I wander into Bozza’s study, where he has been spending a lot of time scowling out of the window. He is working on a list, too. “It’s all the traitors, doggo,” he tells me. “All the cowards who couldn’t stick the course.”

Guto comes in.

“Boss, I’ve got you booked to do three nights at the Oklahoma City Moose
Lodge in October. They’ve got back-to-back insurance conferences. Twenty thousand a night cash and ten per cent of the bar take. They’ll take care of my end.”

“And they know about my rider?”

“They’ll send over pictures for you to choose from closer the time.”

“OK, great, but remember we might have to cancel when the party changes its mind.”

“Boss?”

“They’ll want me back, old son, you wait and see. Cincinnatus from his plough, and Borisus from his speaking tour of the Midwest. They’ll realise what they’ve done when the country rises up in revolt.”

“Yes, boss.”

MPs are idiots

“MPs are idiots. They think people were angry about the parties and the floozies. Couldn’t be more wrong. Voters loved the show. Roar of the circus! Now what will they have? Bloody Rishi whining about what things cost, or some lunatic woman trying to burn books.”

“OK boss, I just think you should prepare yourself for the worst. You might be in, well, exile for a while.”

Bozza goes quiet at that, but I am happy, because I know what his secret plan is. This is a new beginning for us, not the end! I heard him whispering about it on the phone: I will be going to live on a farm!