This article is taken from the August-September 2023 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

“It’s so unfair!” Rishi has locked himself in his study, where I had been taking a nap. Outside, Akshata is trying to get him to come out. “If you open the door, darling, we can talk about it,” she says.

“What’s the point in talking? The universe is against me!”

“Well now, why would you say a thing like that? Does your heated mug need rebooting again?”

“Everybody is blaming me for everything!”

“Oh darling, of course they’re not. Not for everything. They blame Boris for a lot of things, too.”

“But they blame me for Boris!”

“Well, you did back him to be leader.”

“Only because I wanted to be in the Cabinet! Why can’t anyone understand that?”

“I’m going to move to Santa Monica and start a hedge fund. Then they’ll be sorry.”

Outside I can hear that James, who used to write nice things about us in The Times, has arrived. I can hear him whispering to Akshata. “Is he still in there? Shall I set up a call with Kyiv? That usually cheers him up.”

“Why don’t you see if we can do a visit somewhere?” She speaks loudly through the door again. “Rish? Would you like to go in the helicopter?”

He sniffs. “Can I wear my action boots?”

“If you like.”

Rishi unlocks the door, and Akshata comes in. “What’s this all about?” she asks. “Is it the MPs again?”

“They’re always saying horrid things,” Rishi mutters, “like that I don’t want to go to stupid Parliament and answer Sir Stupid Starmer’s stupid questions. It’s not my fault the office keeps arranging things for Wednesday lunchtimes.”

“We all agreed that it was just a sensible time to have events,” says Akshata.

“I’m going to move to Santa Monica and start a hedge fund. Then they’ll be sorry.”

“I’m sure it’ll be a really good hedge fund, too. Daddy will help. You can do whatever you put your mind to.”

Rishi blows his nose. “Do you really think I’m a good prime minister?”

“I do! Easily the best one we’ve had since I started paying tax.”

“Not everyone does. Isaac says we’ve got as much chance of winning the next election as a wombat has of rooting a wallaby.”

“Oh.” Akshata pauses. “What does that mean?”

“No idea, but it says in the paper that we’re going to lose 200 seats.”