This article is taken from the December/January 2023 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

It’s important we show people that I understand their problems,” says Rishi. “That I’m just like them, whether they’re aristocrats, upper class or working class.” He thinks for a moment. “Well, not working class.”

We are having a meeting with Amber, who helps Rishi to get his message across. I’ve been thinking about my own image, too: it’s about time I did a Tatler shoot. Get the message out that there’s a new dog in Downing Street, and she means business.

“There’s still a lot of worry about energy bills,” Amber says. 

Rishi nods. “Oh, I know. We’ve had to tell the maids in Kensington to make sure they switch the lights off in each room when they’ve finished cleaning it. Maybe I could do an interview about turning the heating down on our swimming pool? Show that we’re doing our bit.”

I prick up my ears

We’re back living over the office again. It’s cosy, if that’s your thing. There’s another flat next door that we could have had, apparently, but Akshata muttered something about wallpaper and Rishi said that after Boris had lived there for three years, the whole place needing to be deep-cleaned “with a flamethrower” before he’d feel comfortable even sitting down. I know what he means. I had a little nose around yesterday, and it stinks of that incontinent hound that everyone used to make such a fuss of.

It’s been a busy time. We still have Pony Club on Saturday mornings, and of course Rishi wouldn’t think of letting the other dads put the jumps away afterwards without helping, so we can never leave until the chauffeur has finished doing that. 

In the afternoons, we hunt through the flat for presents that Liz left behind for us. I found the raw chicken behind the radiator, and Jeremy the new neighbour found something called a £50 billion fiscal void.

“Last item: this Tatler shoot.” I prick up my ears. Finally they’re talking about me. “It’s going to be a big ‘At Home’ spread, lots of photos, so I’ve booked a full grooming session beforehand. Wash, brush, nails trimmed, the works.” 

“Sounds fantastic,” says Rishi. “Just what’s needed. And it reminds me: maybe we ought to book the dog in somewhere, too.”