This article is taken from the February 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issue for just £10.

Bozzo is trying to fix the country. Apparently lots of people live in horrible places, and this is a problem. “Can’t they just go somewhere else?” asks the Trusster.

“Agreed,” says Rishi. “Sometimes you can reach your full potential simply by moving next door.”

Cazza, who is allowed to be there because they are eating cheese, looks up. “How bad are these places? Is it all John Lewis stuff? They should redecorate.”

“Who’s going to pay for that?” asks Rishi.

 “A charity,” says Cazza. “They can pay for all kinds of things.” 

“Don’t start that again,” says Bozzo. “I’m still finding WhatsApps I didn’t delete from last time.”

“The problem,” Govey announces, “is dogs.” I feel this is harsh. The problem in my experience is usually cats. And squirrels. But Bozzo is nodding. “Dogs,” he says. “Yeah.”

“They’re always making messes,” Govey goes on. This is unfair too. I only did one “indoor Dom” all Christmas, when Bozzo and Cazza left me in the study all day, and afterwards they agreed that was Bozzo’s fault for forgetting, and Cazza made him clean up.

“They certainly are,” says Bozzo. “So what should we do about it? Put them to sleep?” Cazza throws a piece of brie at him.

“Hanging baskets,” replies Govey.

“Eh?”

“If we put up hanging baskets, it gives people something to look at. And that deals with the dog mess.”

“If people are looking at the baskets, aren’t they more likely to tread in stuff?”

“Ah, but if there are hanging baskets, there won’t be any dog mess.”

“Do the dogs … go in the baskets?” asks Bozzo, confused. He looks at me. “Are the baskets hanging on the ground?”

“No, prime minister, it’s about making people feel more pride in the places where they live. So that they take care of them and clean up after their dogs, instead of smashing up bus shelters and urinating in the street.”

“Sounds like a night out with the Bullingdon,” says Bozzo. “But I suppose Oxford was a bit of a dump.”