This article is taken from the April 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £5.
They’ve actually gone and done it. The US and Israel have murdered Ayatollah Khamenei, described in his Washington Post obituary as an “avuncular figure” with a “bushy white beard and easy smile”. They may as well have assassinated Gandalf.
Admittedly, the Iranian government had massacred over 30,000 of its own civilians after their recent protests, but the vast majority of them were suffering from internalised Islamophobia. Why else would they turn against the mullahs? I am all for international law, but we can’t really expect it to apply if you’re engaged in this kind of hate speech.
They have not once condemned the Crusades by Christians in the High Middle Ages
It is no exaggeration to say that the Islamic Republic of Iran, now under fire from the demonic West, is the most progressive society on earth. Whilst critics claim that the Ayatollah was guilty of “human rights abuses”, they have not once condemned the Crusades by Christians in the High Middle Ages. The hypocrisy is beyond belief.
As for women’s rights, they are allowed to drive (so long as they are modestly dressed), they can travel abroad (with their husband’s permission), and they can sleep with whoever they like (if they don’t mind the risk of being executed). What more do these bitches want?
The Supreme Leader himself was an ardent supporter of the right of women to wear the veil, the ultimate symbol of female empowerment for Western intersectional feminists. Indeed, my one consolation is that he is now in paradise with 72 virgins. What better company for a feminist ally than a large group of independent women who have shunned male attention?
I have been attending pro-Iran rallies with my friends from the Queer Caliphate, an activist group that campaigns for sharia law and affordable dildos. It’s been so moving to see white Westerners standing up for the Iranian regime in its valiant struggle against free speech.
One of our group’s benefactors actually offered to pay for us to travel to Iran and work directly with the regime to rebuild the country. Obviously, I would love to go, but my personal trainer says if I take too much time off my quads will get flabby again. I have a regime of my own to maintain.
