I joined Extinction Rebellion last year because I care about the environment and I wanted to meet Emma Thompson. But over the past few weeks there has been a horrific backlash against our brave work. For instance, footage circulated online of an Extinction Rebellion protester being dragged from the top of a Tube train by commuters. That’s the thing about fascists: they always want the trains to run on time.

Others complaints have arisen from people who were allegedly disrupted while they were trying to “get to work” (whatever that means) or going into hospital for “cancer treatment”. Don’t these selfish miscreants understand that the apocalypse is upon us? The ice caps are shrinking, the trees are almost extinct, and I haven’t seen an ocelot for ages.

And things are only going to get worse. Some of my heterosexual friends are thinking about having extra children in case of meat shortages.

As Extinction Rebellion co-founder Stuart Basden wrote in a recent article, the movement isn’t really about the climate at all. It’s about defeating white supremacy, the patriarchy, Eurocentrism, heteronormativity and class hierarchy. So if you find it difficult to reduce your carbon footprint, you can still show your support by having gay sex with a few African peasants.

Or better still, join us for one of our protests. They’re mostly in central London because very few of us live outside Zone 3. We have radical street theatre, acoustic lesbian quintets, and I often lead workshops on a form of eco-frottage that I learnt from a guru in Jaipur. He was very spiritual. He had a ring through his nose and everything.

We can all do our bit to make a difference. Whenever I fly in Daddy’s private jet I usually ask Nenita to plant a few extra begonias in the herbaceous border. And last week I engaged in some direct action, glueing my baby niece to the front door of a petrol station. She started crying immediately, which just proves how worried she is about the future of the planet.

I’m hoping her first words will be “Greta Thunberg”.