This article is taken from the November 2023 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

---

I have been watching with horror the footage from the recent Conservative party conference. It was a gathering of the worst possible people in the worst possible city. Manchester is so unnecessary. 

There was the predictable hate speech from Rishi Sunak, who claimed that it was “common sense” that “a man is a man and a woman is a woman”. Well, my friend Belinda is a man who temporarily becomes a woman whenever the prevailing southwest wind speed exceeds 8.5 knots. To suggest that Belinda’s identity isn’t “common sense” is the height of bigotry. 

The only saving grace was Sunak’s new policy of a ban on cigarettes for anyone born after 2008. It’s good to see the state deciding what is best for those citizens who are too stupid to make the right decisions. 

This isn’t about personal choice. Smoking cigarettes has a negative impact on everyone. For instance, I’ve just hired a pack of labourers to renovate my conservatory, and they’re always taking fag breaks. At this rate they won’t be finished in time for my cocktail soirée for the homeless. (Homeless people won’t be allowed to attend, of course — I’m just raising awareness of their plight.) 

But the government’s new policy does not go far enough. The fact that the Tories are in office in the first place is proof that the general public — and particularly the working classes — do not know how to vote properly. So when Keir Starmer gets into power, the first thing he should do is make all political parties illegal except for Labour. By doing so, he will be demonstrating a serious commitment to the elimination of fascism. 

… the existence of two major political parties is the very cause of all our division

After all, the existence of two major political parties is the very cause of all our division. In a one-party state, everyone would be united because they would all be voting for the same candidate. Why has no one thought of this before?

And before anyone accuses me of “authoritarianism”, I should point out that people will still be allowed to vote in one-party state. That’s not undemocratic, it just means there’ll be fewer options on the ballot paper.