This article is taken from the October 2021 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issue for just £10.

“I’m sorry, I don’t carry anything that small,” Rishi tells Bozzo, who has just asked if he can borrow £20 until the end of the month. We are standing outside a hotel in somewhere called Manchester, and I am taking Bozzo for his morning walk. (Cazza says I need to take him out first thing, to stop him bothering her all day.) 

Rishi is wearing a very tight black outfit. “Running?” Bozzo asks him. “There’s no vacancy,” Rishi replies quickly. “Oh, I see. Yes, just a quick 10k. Gives me a chance to bounce ideas around with my gang.” He points to a group of young people behind him. I recognise them from downstairs in London.

“Your gang?” Bozzo looks at the runners. “Liam? Alex? Dan? My gang, really, aren’t they?”

“Oh yes, PM, absolutely! That’s what I always tell you guys, isn’t it? There’s no difference between Team Rishi and Team Tory.”

“Yes boss!” They all agree. “Hello, PM.”

“Anyway,” says Rishi, “Got to go. Country doesn’t run itself, you know. Great chat!”

As we turn the corner, we see Michael, who is also dressed in a skin-tight top and shorts. “Govester!” shouts Bozzo. “You been running too?”

“Boris! BorisborisBORISborisboris! PMey-pmey- pm-ey-PM! How are you DOING?” Michael is standing very close to Bozzo. Outside the hotel one of the police dogs, who used to be a sniffer at Heathrow, is whining and pulling on his lead. Michael is now whispering very loudly. “This city is AMAZING. Matt and I went to ChinaWhite last night. You should come with us! Divorced lads on tour! TWISTED FIRESTARTER!”

“But I’m married,” says Bozzo. “And apparently I wasn’t divorced. Though when I told Marina that she just laughed and gave me another cheque to sign. Speaking of which…”

Michael interrupts him. “That’s brilliant, Boris! Look, any chance you could help us out with a few quid until payday? Things are a bit tricky right now.”

“Oh, yes, sure. Not got my wallet now. Find me later. Or talk to Rishi, maybe.”

As Michael goes to look for some “breakfast beverage”, I spot a coin in the gutter. 

“Great job, Dillers,” says Bozza. “I think that should get us a bacon sandwich. Things are looking up!”

As told to Robert Hutton