This article is taken from the December-January 2025 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

From: Badenoch, Kemi

Saw yr report about my speech. You’ve completely misrepresented my position. Of course I’m not saying children should be made to wear flammable pyjamas. That would be ridiculous. I’m just saying that it’s not the government’s job to stop children from catching fire. Please correct.

From: James.Lyons (No10 StratComms)

Hi Rob, trying to get onto the front foot as we move towards the end of the year. I have a few ideas about how we can show Keir’s dynamic side. Any interest in following him as he pays an Xmas visit to the Red Arrows (they owe me one)?

From: Badenoch, Kemi

Saw yr tweet about my email. You’ve completely misrepresented my position. Of course I’m not saying it’s not the government’s job to stop children from catching fire. That would be ridiculous. I’m just saying that people’s first instinct is too often to regulate, when if someone sees a child on fire, perhaps they ought to ask some hard questions of the parents. Please correct.

From: James.Lyons (No10 StratComms)

OK, fair enough. Another idea: we’re also keen to give the public a chance to see what a fun guy Keir is. Could he do some kind of cameo on I’m A Celeb? We’d explain the show to him beforehand, obvs. Don’t want him getting het up about the human rights implications of confining people to the jungle.

From: Dominic Cummings

Attached a few brief thoughts on why no-brain Westminster NPCs are DESTROYING UK and why Trump victory creates an opportunity to COMPLETELY rewire Whitehall. [Mailer Daemon Rejected Attachment Due To Exceeding 20GB File Limit.]

From: Badenoch, Kemi

Saw yr Facebook Live about my correction of your tweet. You’ve completely misrepresented my position. Of course I’m not saying it’s the fault of the parents if a child catches fire. That would be ridiculous. Though let’s face it, it probably is their fault. Please correct.

From: [email protected]

Hi mate, I hear Kemi’s been in touch. Beer?

From: James.Lyons (No10 StratComms)

OK, wild thought: what about Love Island?