This article is taken from the February 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

Universities used to be places where young people could learn about Diversity, Equity and Inclusion. But now conservatives are trying to turn them into indoctrination camps that promote “Mathematics” and “Science” and other outdated concepts. Why don’t they just bring back alchemy and be done with it?

It has been genuinely disturbing to see the brave and pioneering President of Harvard, Claudine Gay, ousted from her job simply because she is an empowered black woman. Some of her critics claim that she should have unequivocally condemned those who call for the genocide of Jews but, as she pointed out, it’s very much context dependent. Only the other day, I accidentally called for the genocide of Jews whilst I was ordering a flat white at Borough Market.

Harvard students should be allowed to say whatever they like, without any limitations whatsoever

And what about free speech? It goes without saying that Harvard students should be allowed to say whatever they like, whenever they like, without any limitations whatsoever. (Except if they’ve misgendered someone, in which case that is literal violence and they should be expelled and possibly executed.)

The other accusation against Professor Gay is that she “plagiarised” aspects of her doctoral thesis. This is a typical racist tactic. What about all the land and culture that white people have “plagiarised” over the centuries? Why is Professor Gay being demonised whilst Vanilla Ice gets away with it?

A headline in the New York Post claimed that Claudine Gay was “playing the victim”. But a quick Google search reveals that the words “playing”, “victim” and “the” all appear in Charles Dickens’s novel Great Expectations. But apparently this kind of plagiarism from the right-wing press is totally fine.

The double standards are sickening. White people have been forgetting about basic human rights for millennia. One black woman forgets to use a few inverted commas and suddenly it’s an “issue”.

So let’s just forget all this nonsense about plagiarism, and focus instead on changing the world for the better. Here are some lines from a poem I wrote the other day to help inspire you.

I see trees of green, red roses too,
I see them bloom for me and you,
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

You’re welcome.