Ref!
Thank goodness the BBC added a trigger warning to their story on Greg Clarke resigning as the FA chairman after he used obscene racist, homophobic and sexist language when speaking to MPs. But questions should be raised in the highest levels as to how the broadcaster thought it was appropriate to even include the term “coloured footballers” in their report, which Clarke claims he used by mistake. We all know that “people of colour” is the only correct term and always has been “black” is the only correct term and always has been. Happily the BBC’s Newsbeat wrote an article for all those bigots who didn’t find his phrase offensive explaining why they should have done. Clarke also said a coach told him that it was hard to get girls into football because they did not like having the ball hit hard at them and – forgive me for including the next horrific segment, but readers ought to see the evilness at the heart of English Football. Clarke said:

What I would want to do is to know that anybody who runs out onto the pitch and says on Monday, ‘I’m gay and I’m proud of it and I’m happy and it’s a life choice’… they would have the support of their mates in the changing room.

If you didn’t spot the hateful homophobia within that sentence then please send your name, email, and employer’s name to [email protected] and await cancellation.

Pack the Court
Since when has a politician been allowed to speak out against the march of progress? or, even worse, actually make a political decision? Wiltshire council staff were appalled to learn that a Conservative councillor Mary Douglas was displaying dangerous signs of being a conservative when she objected to using public funds to support a Gay Pride event last year. After council authorities did what anybody in their situation should have done to a woman with 15 years of service – launch code of conduct proceedings against her – they were dismayed to find this week she was exonerated. Sadly after being challenged by the Christian Legal Centre the council concluded that a little-known but hateful piece of legislation, called “the European Convention on Human Rights”, granted her something called “Freedom of expression”.

Disgusting.

Doublethink
The BBC frequently shows us what top-quality public service broadcasting looks like and today was no exception when they asked the actress who plays Lyra in the recent adaptation of Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials what her character would do in a pandemic. Dafne Keen said Lyra would “Stay at home and follow all the rules … for the good of humanity.” But, reveals Keen, “She would go out on the Black Lives Matter protests and all the other protests [that] are going on.” If you think that’s contradictory then you need to realise that the pandemic is utterly devastating and all those like Dominic Cummings who break the rules should be shot by tranquiliser-armed NHS markspeople, but non-socially distanced Black Lives Matters protests are so important they must happen right now, otherwise you are literally shooting dead the lived-experiences of black people. Got that?

Good money
It’s great that despite a predicted £12bn shortfall in student loan repayments across the sector, one university is focussing its shrunken budget on the really important things. Exeter University’s Humanities Department was pleased to invite applications for the new role of “College Anti-Racism Coordinator” which involves working on “initiatives to decolonise the curriculum” and “steps to tackle the BAME Pay Gap” which definitely exists and is all the fault of the crusty racists who have been running Britain’s universities forever.

Wolf in Sheep’s clothing
Scottish authorities get major kudos for subverting the backward advice kids often get about so-called “stranger danger”. P1 children in Scotland are getting a book via the Scottish Book Trust which is a beautiful twist on a bigoted classic. The once-cautionary tale of a wolf in sheep’s clothing is changed so that the hungry wolf who pretends to be a sheep actually turns out to be a real sheep after all. Not only that, the wolf “Brenda” is “the best sheep they have ever met”. Although the wolf had initially planned to eat the sheep (Brenda spent the first part of the book sharpening her teeth and making mint sauce) the sheep were so friendly she decided not to. When dealing with predators, perhaps Scottish children won’t be so bigoted in the future, and just like in the story, they will decide to offer their would-be attackers acceptance – and some grass.

Pointing the finger
Almost everyone* is up-in-arms over Anne Hathaway’s portrayal of “limb difference” in The Witches and the right-on actress was forced to post an apology on Instagram. I had to put “limb difference” in quote marks because I know many of you are hopelessly un-woke and sadly do not spend hours a day keeping up with the correct way to box people into different groups address people. For you, “limb difference” is having one or more limbs or fingers that are missing or shorter than normal. Hathaway’s witch character was portrayed with only three fingers, which is clearly an attack on this sadly marginalised section of society. I long for the day when people with “wart difference”, “long nose difference” or “black cat difference” do not have to put up with this bigotry and people with normal fingers are rightly stigmatised as witches instead. Unless witches are a protected group too, in which case, excuse me whilst I post my apology on Instagram. In solidarity with this group, at midnight tonight allies are asked to make the hunger-games-style three-fingered-salute.

*A slightly-famous comedian and some people on Twitter