“Writing’s not that easy”, announces the ad for Grammarly, a spelling and grammar checker which you can download on your computer to make you seem smarter. But whereas the software used to just tell you off for splitting infinitives, the newest version chides users for failing to use politically correct terms, changing “mankind” to “humankind” and “China Virus” to “Covid-19”. The company took their advice from the China-controlled WHO, who recommended that viruses shouldn’t be named after places. Any more. After always having been uncontentiously geographically named before. For some reason. But we move on. So thankfully at least one regime somewhere in the world is committed to ending racist scapegoating of an entire people-group. Unless they’re those dirty Uighur with their revisionist hatred of the motherland (see also, Tibetans, and, well, some other troublemakers who need to be taken into camps, I mean, consideration). Thankfully, Grammarly has brought George Orwell’s excellent idea of Newspeak into reality. It’s so plusgood I’ve started using it on these columns to stop myself from committing a hate crime. Being woke has never been so easy.

Standing up is racism
Readers will be shocked to discover, along with the chairman of Newport County, that a football game went ahead without players observing the obligatory deference to elite orthodoxy taking the knee. The chairman, Gavin Foxall, says he will investigate why the teams did not perform the ritual before their 1-0 League Two win over Tranmere Rovers. The BBC reports that shockingly QPR and Coventry City didn’t take the knee before their match in September either. English Football League guidance says it remains the choice of an individual player or players if they wish to take the knee, a position which, like standing up before a football game, is tantamount to racism.

Good looking Nazis
As all good Dorian Grey readers know, it’s our inner thoughts that affect our physical appearance more than anything else. That’s why it was so offensive that a candidate running to be chair of Young Labour, Eluned Anderson, said that two Nazis, Adolf Eichmann and a young von Ribbentrop were “evil bastards” but “incredibly good looking”. We all know they can’t be both, so right-minded people must suspect that she does not think they were “evil bastards” at all. If any more proof was needed of her crime Anderson has apologised – which, like floating in the village pond – all but confirms one’s guilt.

Everything is racist when you get to know it
Countryfile presenter Ellie Harrison has said the countryside is racist, writing in Countryfile magazine:  “In asking whether the countryside is racist, then yes it is; but asking if it’s more racist than anywhere else – maybe, maybe not.” Comrade presenter Harrison sounds suspiciously unsure and may have to report in for further and deeper understanding sessions. Sometimes I fear the BBC’s £100,000,000 anti-racism funding is nothing more just a pretty round number.

Transvestite with cheese
McDonalds are using Drag Queens to advertise their new Burger which has led to the accusation they are culturally appropriating women? woke (Thanks Grammarly!) The new ad shows a man pick up a Quarter Pounder Deluxe which transforms him into a Drag Queen. If your response to this story is “Think of the Children!” then don’t worry, Leeds Library have thought of the children and introduced an “Online Drag Queen story time” probably in an attempt to normalise sexualised cross-dressing before their bigoted parents can steer them away from it. There are alarming reports that in some of these unenlightened northern hellholes small children can go weeks at a time without thinking about transgressive sexual self-realisation. ‘Blue wall’? more like black hole! Wait, sorry, I’m being told I need to go for a deepened understanding session myself.

We’ve always been at war with Eurasia
Webster’s online Dictionary used to baldly have “orientation” or “sexual preference” as one of the definitions of the word “preference”. But now they have added the caveat: “offensive.” Because, of course, claiming sexuality is a preference is offensive. You really should have shut your eyes and stopped reading after the word “offensive”, but since you haven’t I can only assume you have your permit to hate-look and will continue.

First, this is fake news spread by fascists and the enemies of Oceania. I’m sure Webster’s have always listed the term “sexual preference” as offensive, whatever the lying Wayback Machine lies. Second, let me explain why it’s so offensive:  If you fancy girls, that can’t be your preference because the word implies you had a choice in the matter. A mere non-sexual preference is something you can change easily, like your sex. Not that sex exists, except when it does, and then it’s absolute. Sex can be changed, absolutely, but once changed is absolute. Unless you change it back. Unless ‘back’ is offensive, in which case I apologise. But back to sexual preference, which doesn’t exist, but is absolute. You only fancy people of the sex you’ve always fancied because that can’t change. Unless it can, and I am now very frightened that I have said the wrong thing and please, please, shadowban me soon. In thy infinite mercy, o social media giants, hide my wickedness from the light!