Yelp if you’re woke

Yelp label businesses accused of racism, the MOD goes woke and restaurant apologises for mocking Xi


Social Credit System
Five stars for US-based review website Yelp after a new feature labelling businesses accused of racism will help woke warriors to destroy conservatives, and almost certainly fascist small businesses more easily. Yelp, which operates across the world, said the US was currently reckoning with “systemic racism”, so they would highlight businesses accused of it to allow consumers to “make more informed denouncing spending decisions”. Yelp must delete all reviews from people who haven’t used a business, which sadly includes social justice warriors attempting to ruin a firm with 1 star reviews and libellous comments. But Yelp’s new “Business Accused of Racist Behavior” sticker has come to the rescue, saving time and hopefully avoiding the libel charge. “I didn’t say they were actually racist guv, just that they’d been accused!” It’s foolproof: if they weren’t guilty, they wouldn’t be accused.

Stockholm Syndrome

Hateful satire

Feel free to abuse the Orange Man, but never mock the leader of China. After Filipino “fashion influencer” “Bryanboy” found a “very yellow” picture of President Xi up on the walls of a Swedish restaurant complete with bat ears and the word “‘BAT MAN” underneath, he rightly complained that he didn’t understand satire it was racist. Bryan had taken his pal from Hong Kong to Restaurant Riche in the Swedish capital for meatballs but could not believe the “xenophobia” present within. His Chinese friend was rightly also appalled at the wall art. This case, of course, reminds us of the time a barber in east London shamed Britain when he used an image of Kim Jong Un in his window with the words “bad hair day?”. Thankfully in that case North Korean Embassy officials were quick to spot the offence and paid him a visit. Review website Yelp hasn’t condemned the restaurant yet but be reassured by how many US activists have already left several 1 star reviews with the word “racist” as their measured assessment of the establishment.


Emoji fans will be shocked to discover that this month’s release of 2021 emojis by Unicode didn’t include any references to climate change. But The Sun reports that EDF Energy has helpfully created its own emojis for inclusion because they believe changing the range of emojis will help to indoctrinate educate people into climate change dogma fact. Amazingly after discovering that 50% of people don’t know what “Net Zero” means, they found 34% of people would be likely to use a “Net Zero” emoji if it was available which suggests the study isn’t very reliable a profound need to educate people. A sample conversation with the proposed emojis  might go something like this:

The report also quotes a definitely real person called Keith Broni, an “emoji expert” and deputy emoji officer at Emojipedia who said: “Over the years, we have seen the emoji keyboard increasingly reflecting important social and cultural issues” or just 🤪 for those who already speak fluent emoji.

The forces of feminism
Since 2008 the UK Defence budget has been cut by about 22% in real terms but now there’s some more good news. The precious little that remains in the kitty for our armed forces is being spent on woke commissars. Guido Fawkes reports that the MOD has just closed recruitment for a £110,000 director of diversity and inclusion, which by my calculations could pay for almost seven raw recruits. The new director’s job is to hire more like-minded souls until we have 20 diversity officers, which, I’m told by top sources in Main Building, is almost brigade-strength in the modern army. Bigots who suggest that woking-out the army won’t help us defeat the enemy should read this internal MOD blog post:

“If we want to be the best Armed Forces, then the only way to go is Feminist… And there’s also stacks of writing about the importance of feminist thought and analysis when it comes to conflict and peace”.

We should be really glad Chinese and Russian armed forces have not “gone feminist” otherwise we’d be really worried: with the lead we’ve established, they may never close the stacked gap. But even if the bigots are right and this stuff doesn’t actually help us fight, hats off to the MOD for, in the eternal words of Benjamin Zephaniah, being ready for peace to break out.

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