This article is taken from the August-September 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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From: Simon Case

Subject: Morning meetings

Hi Sue,

Hope you’re settling in, and it’s great to have you back in Downing Street! Sorry I missed this morning’s meeting, but I didn’t get the email. I guess the lists are still being updated. Anyway, I’ve asked your assistant to make sure I’m on it in future.

Best, Simon

From: Morgan McSweeney

Subject: The Next Phase

If Lulu’s wallpaper is coming down in the flat, we’d happily take it — reuse and recycle!

Well, that went pretty fine. Shame about Diane, but we can’t win them all. I’m turning my thoughts to Project ToryBlame. I know that you’re not generally a fan of Freedom of Information, but I was wondering if this would be the moment to start encouraging journalists to ask questions about various matters that took place between 2016 and 2024. Can you suggest any especially fertile areas?

From: Mrs Carrie Johnson (Mrs)

Subject: Wallpaper

Darling, long time no speak. Just to say that if Lulu’s wallpaper is coming down in the flat, we’d happily take it — reuse and recycle!

Love C xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Simon Case

Subject: Re: Morning meetings

Sue,

Again, apologies for my absence today. I still don’t seem to be on the list, and so, though I did try to attend, I didn’t get the message that the location had changed. Will check my spam folder.

Best, Simon

From: nADINEdORRIES

Subject: i WIL GET YO

Yo may thInk yo hAve one but i hAve my ey on yo and yor M16 frends and wot YO DID TO BORIS.

lADYvENJENCE

From: The Office of Liam Conlon MP

Subject: mum how get red wine out white shirt thx

From: Robbins, Olly

Subject: Chat?

Perhaps best if I don’t come to Downing Street. Fancy swinging by our office in Mayfair? O

From: Simon Case

Subject: Re: Re: Morning meetings

Sue,

I have asked the IT department to look at my computer, as I think my email account may be malfunctioning. Please let me know if you receive this.

Best, Simon