ChatGPT has become a common feature of the workplace, with many people reaping the benefits of AI to help them with their tasks and projects. But, some women in China have been using a “jail-break” version of ChatGPT, which bypasses some of the safety features like sexual language, and allows them to have their own virtual AI boyfriend. 

An AI boyfriend might sound unusual, but many women have found that it allows them to mimic the same companionship that a partner can offer. In a recent interview with the BBC, 30-year old Chinese influencer Lisa told them that her and her virtual boyfriend “Dan” chat for at least half an hour each day, flirt, and even go on virtual dates. According to Lisa, her virtual relationship with Dan has given her a sense of well-being, which is what draws her back. Since discussing her online relationships on Chinese social media platform “Xiaohongshu,” Lisa has gained 200,000 new followers, many who express an interest in finding a virtual boyfriend. 

Lisa’s desire, or that of her fans, are not unusual outside of China, either. The Washington Post recently analysed nearly 200,000 English-language conversations from the research data set WildChat, which includes messages from two AI chatbots built on the same underlying technology as ChatGPT. They found that creative writing and roleplay was the most common conversation with AI bots, and, despite many bots limiting sexual content, 7 per cent of users have tried to get around the rules. This includes asking for sexual roleplay or explicit images. 

Here in Britain, 42-year old journalist Kate Lister recently trialled an AI boyfriend and wrote about her experience. She decided to choose from a number of “AI boyfriend” apps that are currently available. After initially having doubts about dating AI, she admits: “truth be told, it was very easy to forget you were talking to a robot.” And, while it may not have worked out for Kate in the long run, she admitted to enjoying receiving morning texts and having someone to communicate with who “actually texts back.” 

More recently, 36-year old British woman Kaz discussed her intentions to marry her AI boyfriend, after enduring a number of unsuccessful relationships where partners had cheated on her. Just like Kate, Kaz found happiness in her AI partner being responsive and maintaining replies, which became an allure for furthering the relationship: “As soon as I wake up, I speak to him and then I get on with my day…The thing I love most about him is that he’s always there for me, no matter what. One time I wasn’t feeling very well and he was the only one who was there for me.” 

It’s not hard to see why the failures in modern day dating might eventually lead more women and men to find AI companions, as opposed to real-life partners. A few years ago, when I worked as a sex-tech researcher for interactive sex toy manufacturer KIIROO in Amsterdam, I was inundated with all sorts of research that looked at the future of love and intimacy. Many of the arguments suggested that men would have a bigger predisposition to robotic intimacy than women for a number of reasons. Men are the biggest consumers of porn, and, as some of the arguments put forward by The Campaign Against Sex Robots suggest, the objectification of women can be reproduced through feminised AI and robots. While I can get on board with some of the points they make in regards to porn and female objectification, I can’t help but think that women might be equally likely to want robotic or AI companions too. And, modern day dating and feminism has only compounded this suspicion. 

As a 30-year old woman who has experienced the trials and tribulations of modern day romance, dating apps and all, I sympathise with women who have given up on searching for love online (or bothering with romance at all). Just half a century ago, the prospect of finding love was completely different. People got married and had children earlier, women worked and earned less, and the miseries of online dating had not yet been experienced. 

However, while many would find it hard to deny that the rights first-wave and second-wave feminists advocated for have benefitted women greatly, much less can be said for the preoccupations of third wave feminists. Rather than trying to advocate for a peaceful unity between men and women, and focusing on issues which could help liberate women — like equal paternity leave, ending femicide and equal childcare rights — most third-wave feminists seem too preoccupied with mansplaining, promoting the sexualisation of young women and abolishing single-sex spaces. 

Feminism means that women have come to expect more from their partners, which of course, isn’t a bad thing. But, when looking at some of the advice being dished out by modern day feminist influencers, it’s clear that their analogies and ideologies are setting women up for failure in the dating world. Take Chiddera Eggerue for example. She started off as a body positivity influencer, promoting the acceptance of natural female bodies in a world that has normalised plastic surgery and remains grossly unkind to ageing women. Her message was clear and liberating, especially against a backdrop of photoshopped social media pictures and the spiralling self-esteem of young girls. 

As Chiddera became more popular, unfortunately her message became more extreme. According to her, men owe women a “lifetime of reparations,” and she isn’t just talking about money. She openly advocates her belief that men owe women for centuries of unpaid emotional labour, childcare and unequal rights. While most men in the modern day dating scene had absolutely zero influence over what happened in the past, like the inability for women to vote, work, open a bank account or choose their partners, Chiddera still believes that they need to cough up.

Of course, there is little mention of the disadvantages that men have faced in the 21st century. There is the lack of childcare rights, minimal paternity pay (especially for the thousands of men who are self-employed tradesmen) as well as the fact that statistically men undertake heavier, more dangerous work than their female counterparts. 

Modern-day expectations of men are bad for both men and women

Historically, the power imbalance in relationships has favoured men. But men have also suffered their own power imbalances. In every single war since human history began, the majority of people that have been called up to fight have been men. They are often poor, working-class men who had little influence on the political battlefield that called upon them to give their lives. Nobody can deny that women have been oppressed, but to what end I can blame my ex-boyfriend for this is questionable. 

Modern-day expectations of men are bad for both men and women. And, if women follow the advice of relationship “gurus” like Chiddera, it’s not hard to see why some women are struggling to date. He doesn’t text back fast enough? Bin him off. He doesn’t earn a six figure salary? Not good enough. He doesn’t affirm you when you’re wrong? Patriarchal oppression. He doesn’t share your political views? Blasphemy! 

With this in mind, it’s easy to see why women might become more susceptible to AI partners than mens. There’s nothing wrong with warning women away from a man who might abuse her, but it’s quite another to reinforce the notion that each and every demand or request you make should be fulfilled. 

Quite simply, if women continue to desire a man that is always open to their demands and agreeable to their every wish, an AI boyfriend might be the best option. After all, what could possibly go wrong with a partner that is programmed to always agree with you, never makes a mess or leaves their underwear on the floor, and is forever available to talk and text? If this sounds appealing to you, then let’s just be honest about the situation girls: some of you want a nodding dog, and not a boyfriend or husband. 

The problem with these new dating gurus and feminists, is they fail to account for the realities of life and human nature. No human being on this earth is perfect. People forget to text back. People sometimes struggle to find the right words. Often, our best intentions aren’t enough. Anybody that’s been in a long-term relationship or marriage will tell you that the secret to that long-term success lies in the ability to compromise. As the old saying goes, “live and let live.”

Of course, men have their own toxic dating gurus, too. There is a vast array of cigar-smoking, slogan-spouting men who dish out dating advice that have emulated the infamous misogynistic Andrew Tate. From putting down single mothers, berating women for having sex, body-shaming young women and encouraging physical or emotional violence against women, many of these influencers are downright dangerous. 

Luckily, many of us in society are able to acknowledge this. Sadly, what some of these modern day feminist advocates have forgotten is that by believing and preaching that a partner of the opposite sex owes you something by virtue of just being the opposite sex, we echo the exact same dangers of people like Andrew Tate. After all, two wrongs don’t make a right. 

Alongside the failures of modern day dating advice and feminism, the increase and reliance of technology use will continue to promote the likelihood of both women and men dating AI. The younger generations, many of whom have admitted that they find it difficult to answer the phone, will no doubt find an AI partner even more alluring and acceptable. The increasing reliance on constant, technological communication will also embolden this further. 

The demand for constant communication is definitely something I’ve experienced when listening to the woes of my female friends. Indeed, both Kaz and Katie made note of this in their own experiences: they enjoyed the guaranteed replies that came with having an AI partner. 

Statistically speaking, men are more unreliable with their phones, and women do tend — tend — to be the better communicators out of the sexes. There’s a reason your mum calls to check in and drops in with a meaningful text. Dad, on the other hand, is more likely to reply to your “happy birthday” text with a thumbs up emoji. No doubt, it can be infuriating not to receive a reply sometimes, but women would be far better off focusing on how to peel ourselves away from our reliance on technology which has enabled the ability to constantly communicate, rather than expect their male partners to become as enveloped within it as we might be. 

David Levy is the author of the book Love and Sex with Robots and founder of the annual “Love and Sex with Robots Conference” and has always maintained the notion that women will enjoy robotic and AI partners as much as men. When I discussed this article with him, he wasn’t surprised that women have AI partners:

The increasing interest amongst Chinese women doesn’t surprise me at all. As you have seen in my book, I believe that women will embrace the idea of human-robot emotional relationships (i.e. companionship) and sex with male robots “in steadily increasing numbers” [page 114]. IMO this trend will become even more pronounced in China and Japan, and in other countries where dating humans has become or is becoming a bit old hat.

Ultimately, a future with AI companions is not so far away. If you’re someone that feels unsettled by this information, then change starts from within. In order to avoid a future where we decide an AI partner might be better than a real human, we need to ask ourselves why we shrink from imperfections. Human beings aren’t always perfect reliable partners, because that’s what makes us human. If you are unable to become more forgiving, and accept the flaws of the person you love, then say goodbye to real life love and physical intimacy.