We now go over to The Critic’s Summer Charity Appeal, from The Society for The Relief of Distressed Toryfolk.

Hello. I’d like to talk to you about a woman I met recently. Let’s call her “Nadine”. She came to us with a story that we hear all too often. Nadine had been living a respectable life as a romantic novelist and member of parliament when she fell under the spell of an unscrupulous conman. We’ll call him “Boris”. 

Boris swept Nadine off her feet. She had met posh boys before – she mentions “Dave and “George” if pressed – but became persuaded that Boris was different. Perhaps it was his thick mane of blond hair, artfully swept across his bald patch. Perhaps it was the way he scratched his arse. Who can explain the mysteries of the heart?

He made promises, of course. He said he had an oven-ready deal. He said he would give £350 million to the NHS. He said a lot of things. 

Before she knew it, Nadine was on a dangerous path. She agreed to become Culture Secretary, saying things about Channel 4 that she didn’t understand. She told friends that she had a job “hosting” a show on a clearly made-up television channel. When they tried to reason with her, to warn that Boris might not be all he seemed, she became furious, and accused them of having been absorbed into a sinister “blob”. 

We at the Society have seen cases like this before, of course. It’s all too common for the people we help to become infatuated with people or ideas that make no sense. One thinks of “Liz”, who came to us last year convinced that she had been prime minister for six weeks until being forced out by a cabal of Marxist currency speculators. Only an intensive speaking tour of Asia could help Liz. 

Or “Theresa”, who was unwisely persuaded in 2016 that she should run the country. After three miserable years we were finally able to free her to live a happier life on the backbenches. 

But Nadine would prove harder to help than either of these. Boris had created an elaborate fantasy world, in which his father was a knight and the rules had been followed at all times. In this world he was being pursued by an unseen enemy known only as “Dom”, who was both responsible for Brexit and trying to stop it. Boris claimed that to escape from Dom, he had to live in a series of expensive homes that didn’t belong to him, build a bulletproof treehouse, and buy gold wallpaper, which he said could block radio signals. Nadine believed it all.

Worst of all, Boris promised Nadine that he could get her a seat in the House of Lords. To make this seem plausible, he claimed to have already appointed a series of wildly unsuitable people to the upper chamber, including Tory donors, failed MPs and even his own brother. He said he was getting a public honour for his hairdresser.

For weeks, Boris strung Nadine along. “Stand by. Announcement of the list, imminent,” he texted her, claiming to have just left a “secret” meeting with the prime minister. It’s easy to scoff at such details, but to people who are in the midst of these situations, they can seem all too plausible.

There is no greater cause in British life today

Of course, Nadine’s world was about to come crashing down. Following a call from a curious journalist, she began to suspect something was wrong. She called Boris, but he had fled the country and was now in Egypt. When she called parliament, she discovered he’d quit his job days earlier. He had been leading her on.

Nadine still doesn’t believe that. She insists that Boris is coming back any day, and will make her into a Duchess. He’s the victim of a plot, she says, involving the Conservative Party, the civil service and a sinister network of Winchester College alumni. 

What can you do to help Nadine? A gift of £3 million will buy a seat in the Lords, but we understand not everyone can manage that. So please check around your house to see what you could offer. Do you have a spare Damehood you could pass to Nadine? One person’s unappreciated gong can be another person’s appreciation of a lifetime of service. 

Or failing all that, just give us your support. Please, write to your MP, write to the prime minister, march on parliament, glue yourself to a motorway, set yourself on fire in Trafalgar Square – do whatever you must to demand Nadine get her peerage. 

There is no greater cause in British life today. Join us. #Justice4Nads