Artillery Row

It is they who will surrender

We have all of tomorrow’s excuses today

Westminster is abuzz with the news from the Wellingborough and Kingswood by-elections. But what do two huge victories for Labour in previously safe Conservative seats tell us? That’s not the kind of thing you can figure out for yourself. No, you need Fleet Street’s finest commentators to explain it for you! 

But we at The Critic know our readers are busy people. So to save time, we’ve rounded up all tomorrow’s pieces for you to read today.

It’s Not Too Late For Starmer to Listen to Me

Keir Starmer has been ignoring my advice for four years now, and is 20 points ahead in the polls. But there is still time for him to change course, before he has to deal with the horrifying prospect of a triple-figure parliamentary majority. 

It’s Time For Labour Supporters to Face the Truth: Starmer Has Failed

Although I wasn’t his greatest fan, I was prepared to give the Labour leader a fair chance. But no longer. At minus eight months into his time in office, it’s clear he has already let down the British people. He has betrayed the hopes and dreams of all those of us who believed in a Labour alternative. The party must turn to the one man who can save it: Richard Burgon.

In a Way, Labour Lost

If we simply assume that every single person who voted Labour in Kingswood this week also voted for the party in 2019, then that shows Labour hasn’t gained any support at all. In fact, it halved! But you won’t hear that from Commissar Mason on the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation!

No, Really, Labour Lost

After Conservative headquarters tweets a graphic of the by-election results with the Labour votes missing, Tory chairman Ric Holden tours studios insisting: “It’s not editing, it’s cropping.”

Yes, But A Mandate For What?

Starmer is on course to win, but by not setting out detailed plans for his second term in office, does he risk being forced to govern without any mandate to change the country beyond millions of votes and hundreds of MPs?

The Tories Just Need to Follow My Not-Mad Advice

I firmly believe Rishi Sunak can still turn things around. After 14 years of Conservative government, the British people are crying out for more Conservatism, not less. Compulsory smoking in schools! Confront the woke Tube lines! And deliver True Brexit – it hasn’t failed, it’s never been tried!

Send For The Podmen

The low turnout shows that voters have lost confidence in conventional politicians. What we need is government by Britain’s true political stars, Alastair Campbell and Rory Stewart. It’s impossible to imagine any administration that either of them was involved in making hideous and unpopular mistakes.


What is wrong with you ungrateful wretches? We gave you Brexit! You have freedoms undreamed of when you were enslaved by the EU, crushed beneath the Brussels jackboot, and yet all you do is whine. OH YOU WANT TO SEE A DENTIST DO YOU? Well excuse me if I would rather breath the sweet air of liberty than have all my teeth. You people disgust me.  

Rise And Be A Nation Again

When you think about it, weren’t both by-elections votes for Scottish independence? Bear with me. 

There’s No Real Enthusiasm for Starmer

Sure, he looks set to take his party from one of its worst defeats to one of its greatest victories, but where are the Starmer T-Shirts, the huge Starmer portraits hanging over people’s mantlepieces? Where are the teenage girls screaming and throwing themselves at his car? The middle-aged men with his face tattooed across their chests? No, Labour’s lead in the polls is built entirely on a conviction that the current government has been a complete disaster, an absolute failure on every possible measure. Will that really be enough in a general election?

What if the Tories’ Real Problem is That Voters Don’t Think They’re Crazy Enough?

If the Conservatives want to save themselves at the next election, they need to follow the lead of the one political party they’re still able to beat. They should ignore the siren voices saying they need to win back the voters they’ve lost to Labour! Only by appointing Nigel Farage as Tory leader tomorrow can the Tories match the electoral performance of Reform!

Arrest Starmer Now

The Zionist war criminal Starmer must be sent to the Hague at once for his equivocations over Gaza! Subscribe to my YouTube channel to learn who really runs the world media.

Let Rishi be Rishi

It sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s time for Sunak to unleash his secret weapon: his own instincts. Superficially, things are looking bleak for the prime minister, and he doesn’t seem to have the first clue about what to do. And yes, whenever he does anything, it somehow seems to make things worse. But he still has a lot of control over the candidates list, and I still want a safe Conservative seat, if such a thing exists. So I say: Be true to yourself boss, you’re the best!

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