Artillery Row

This isn’t about me

Who? Me? A future Conservative Party leader? Well, if you say so…

Thanks for having me on, Laura. You know, our party, our great party, has been through a traumatic defeat. And there are a lot of reasons for that which we need to consider. We’re going to need to take our time as we look at that and not rush to any judgements, but I would very much like to mention My Talking Point. 

Well Trevor, it’s too simplistic to try to attribute an election to a single cause. You have to remember that each one of us has our own reasons for casting our ballots the way we do. It would be ridiculous to try to boil all that down. But one thing did strike me when the results were coming in, and I’ve adopted it as My Statistic. 

I think, Andy, that we’re going to need to take a long hard look at ourselves. Voters wanted change, and we’re going to have to think about why we couldn’t give them that change. Yes, yes, I have been giving the matter a bit of thought. I spent a lot of time talking to voters in this campaign, I guess people just connect with me. And very often what they told me was: “We like Your Talking Point, but we’re just not hearing that from the national party.” And I think we need to consider whether there’s a lesson for us there as we go forward. 

No, Iain, I wasn’t closely involved in the campaign. Perhaps if I had been, things would have been different, but that’s all in the past now. We need to move forward, to think about how we respond to the election, how we provide strong opposition. That brings me to My Statistic, actually.

Well Martha, I will say that I didn’t detect much enthusiasm for Labour on the doorstep. So, while Thursday night was heartbreaking for those of us who love the party as much as I do, I do see a chance for us to come back sooner than people might think, so long as we learn the right lessons from My Statistic.

This isn’t about personalities, Stig. It’s about ideas. Principles, not individuals. However flattering my recent makeover might be, it would be self-indulgent to get into all that. What’s important is that we agree on My Talking Point. Then it will be time to get into the business of discussing whose talking point it is.

In politics, Nick, you win or lose as a team, so it’s not a moment to try to pin the blame on individuals, however terrible their leadership, however often they ignored my calls for us to take a different course. I just want to think about my brilliant, dedicated colleagues who lost their jobs last week. I feel desperately sorry for them, and I really hope they can still introduce me to their constituency chairs. 

Mishal, I grew up in the Conservative Party. I joined on my sixteenth birthday. Not in a creepy way. I’ve been with it through the good times and the bad. All I want is what is best for it. And I think that does include making sure we understand what went wrong this week. Have I mentioned My Talking Point? You’ll see that it’s supported by My Statistic. That’s lucky, isn’t it?

Oh Amol, this weekend isn’t about leadership. I have lost a few pounds, actually, yes. I guess it’s the effect of pounding the streets so hard as I fought for every vote up and down the country — that’s probably an advantage of me being the way I am! No, no, I’ve had it cut this way for a while, actually. You’d have to ask my hairdresser.

Look Matt, I simply haven’t given a moment’s thought to that. I’ve been too busy sending letters of commiseration to former colleagues and inviting new ones to lunch. What’s important now is looking at My Statistic and then discussing My Talking Point. Are they? Well that’s very flattering, but I simply don’t think it’s the right moment to get into that. My website? I don’t think I … Registered when? Well, I don’t know anything about that, you’d need to ask my office. What I really wanted to discuss today was My Talking Point …

Enjoying The Critic online? It's even better in print

Try five issues of Britain’s newest magazine for £10

Subscribe
Critic magazine cover