This article is taken from the November 2024 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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There’s a clause buried in Labour’s Employment Rights Bill that has received little attention so far but will affect every sports fan in the country. Clause 16 extends employers’ liability for the harassment of their employees to third parties. The Bill says sports clubs will have to take “all reasonable steps” to protect their workers from being harassed by fans. If you bear in mind in that the definition of “harassment” under the Equality Act includes overheard conversations, the implications are chilling.

For instance, at QPR games it’s not unusual for fans to scream “Are you blind?” at linesmen, particularly if they’ve failed to rule an opposing player offside. At present, if that comment is overheard by a partially sighted steward, or someone takes offence on their behalf, there’s not much they can do about it. After this bill becomes law, they’ll be able to sue the club for failing to protect its partially-sighted employees from being “harassed” in this way.

That means QPR — and every other sports club — will have to start employing “banter stewards” whose job it is to eject any supporter who says something related to a “protected” characteristic that has the effect of violating the dignity, or creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for a member of staff. To be clear, I’m not talking about rude remarks to their faces. I’m talking about remarks made by fans that might be overheard by an employee of the club.

The same goes for any fan signalling their support for a controversial cause. I’ve got an IDF baseball cap that I’ve taken to wearing since 7 October, but once the Employment Rights Bill becomes law, I doubt I’ll be allowed into QPR’s stadium wearing that. Ditto Rangers fans waving Israeli flags at the Old Firm Derby, which they’re fond of doing. Indeed, I daresay a Rangers fan with a Union Jack would meet the same fate lest it create a “hostile environment” for a member of the “Windrush generation” working at Ibrox.

Scarcely any football chants will be allowed under Labour’s new “equality” rules. When we play Millwall at the Den, QPR fans are apt to sing “The wheels of your house go round and round”, implying the opposing fans are travelling folk. To put a stop to it, all Millwall will need to do is employ a Romani steward. The club could then monitor Hoops fans on CCTV, identify any of them singing the “racist” children’s song, and ban them from future games.

What about England fans? Given that we’ve just employed a German to manage the national side, none of the fans’ favourite chants will survive. “Two World Wars and One World Cup”? Forget it. “Ten German Bombers”? Instant ban. Even humming the theme from The Great Escape will be verboten. The fans will be reduced to singing “Kumbaya” — although, come to think of it, that might get them into trouble for cultural appropriation.

The only way to fight back will be to do what Maya Forstater did when her consulting contract wasn’t renewed in 2019. The reason her employer got rid of her was because she’d said transwomen aren’t women on social media, which upset some of her colleagues. Citing “belief discrimination”, she sued them in an employment tribunal and — incredibly — the tribunal decided her belief in the biological reality of sex was “not worthy of respect in a democratic society”.

Thankfully, she appealed, and this time she won. From that point on, gender critical beliefs have enjoyed “protected” status under the Equality Act. That doesn’t mean women can’t be fired for expressing them, but the rights of sex realists such as Maya do at least have to be balanced against the rights of trans employees.

So once this legislation has passed, could a gender critical feminist sue a football club in the County Court for refusing to let her into a stadium because she’s wearing a t-shirt saying “Woman=Adult Human Female”? The answer’s yes, but the club could protect itself by imposing a blanket ban on political symbols or slogan t-shirts.

FIFA already has a rule about this, prohibiting players or managers from displaying “political, religious or personal slogans, statements or images”, and I expect that will be extended to fans. In short, football stadiums will be turned into “safe spaces” much like university campuses. So much for letting off steam on a Saturday afternoon. Next time the opposing fans at an Arsenal game chant “Is this a library?”, the Gooners will be able to point to Sir Keir in his executive box, whisper the word “Yes” and then put their finger to their lips.

Perhaps that’s Starmer’s intention. Just as Caligula declared war on Neptune, he’s declared war on Dionysus. It’s not enough to ban smoking in pub gardens, reduce opening hours and increase sin taxes. The socialist killjoy wants an end to fun altogether. So what if the cost of complying with the new, turbo-charged Equality Act is unaffordable for struggling hospitality businesses? Good. Drinking alcohol and eating out is bad for you anyway. No “far right” chanting at football matches? Boo-hoo.

Once the party of the working class, Labour is now the party of the Salvation Army and the Temperance League. Henceforth, the only acceptable forms of entertainment will be anti-racism rallies and Taylor Swift concerts.