Artillery Row Sketch

Cash in the Cabinet

Helpful tips from your favourite politicians on how to beat the cost of living crisis

Boris Johnson on Tuesday told his Cabinet that, with energy bills and food costs soaring, the government needs to find “innovative ways” to help voters with the cost of living. The Critic is proud to say that, thanks to our team of scavengers in the Number 10 bins, we have retrieved not only four different half-used baldness remedies but also the first draft of the Handy Cabinet Guide to Saving Cash.

Boris Johnson

Folks, we all know that filling the car with petrol causes a bit of a pain in the wallet. That’s why I’ve filched a slogan from my old mucker Winston Churchill (who really was a lot like me, when you think about it). During the Blitz, he would go around London asking people: “Is your journey really necessary?” And that’s a question you should ask yourself, too.

For instance, I saved an absolute bomb on petrol when I was a car reviewer for GQ by not driving the cars, and then just pretending that I had. If you’re a tradesman or a delivery worker who’s worried about filling your van, you could try saying you’ve done the job when really you haven’t. You’d be amazed how often simply lying about things can get you out of a tight spot.

If you’re having a party, suggest your guests bring their own booze. Or pool cash between you and then send someone up to Tesco with a suitcase, to take advantage of their three-for-two wine offers.

Rishi Sunak

One of the household expenses I come closest to noticing is the cost of travelling between my homes. We all know how those return tickets to California can start to add up! So, I’m always firm with my concierge service, telling them they have to shop around and think creatively: what would it save if we put the kids back in Business Class, for instance?

Sometimes it’s not just about saving money. You can significantly reduce carbon emissions by turning down the thermostat on your swimming poll by just one degree. Every little really does help!

Michael Gove

You can get £2 off entry to Bohemia nightclub in Aberdeen if you go after midnight on a Saturday and tell them you’re Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.

Priti Patel

Try combining your holidays with work trips. That way you can often get free admission to Israeli border defence sites for the entire family.

Liz Truss

We’re all having to cut back these days, but sometimes you can share costs. For instance: have you looked at whether you could share your vanity photographer with a neighbour? Of course, it’s important to be clear about how that’ll work before you sign a contract: some people are so vain that they need hundreds of pictures taken every time they make a fiscal statement, which is a problem if you’re planning to go on a glamorous trip that week.

Dominic Raab

Or you could share a colleague’s country house, if only the selfish cow hadn’t booked it for every school holiday for the next two years.

Nadine Dorries

I save money on pixels by simply cutting and pasting the prime minister’s tweets as my own. Got a problem with that?

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Often, one finds one can get far more use out of things than the nanny state socialists of the so-called Labour party tell us. I’m still wearing suits that went out of fashion with the jitterbug, and using the political views that worked so well for my great-grandfather.

Sajid Javid

I dealt with all this in my statement to the Sunday Times, and I have nothing more to add.

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