The Tories are hating from beyond the political grave. New regulations from January have cruelly stopped many overseas students from bringing their spouse and children with them.  Coincidently the number of applications has dropped by 81 per cent. Fascist tweeters, no doubt emboldened by Elon M*sk, have said this proves they weren’t really trying to study in the UK in the first place. Obviously I couldn’t find any of the Murdoch-Rothermere rags citing an example of someone who has been negatively affected, but I couldn’t see anyone interviewed in the sensible press either that showed the truth, so I’ll have to take one for the team and invent a totally fake interviewee. Ibrahim al-Magrahi, 27, spoke to me on condition of anonymity. He says it’s ridiculous to suggest that he wanted to study in Britain just to bring his 9 children and 3 wives with him. The former Syrian brain-surgeon was really keen to do a PHD on Transgender Archaeology at the University of Tired Sheffield in order to bring back the vital skills needed to rebuild his homeland, but new rules have put him off: “I was never planning to bring my family over to enjoy the generous UK welfare system” he told me in perfect English. “But for me it’s the principle of it. I no longer believe the UK is a safe and tolerant place to pursue the subject I have temporarily forgotten the name of, because I am so distraught at the hostile environment created by the Home Office”. 

Orange Man Back!
As Tier Starmer realises that social media is the cause of all the world’s problems, it brings me great sadness to report that the draft-dodging, bullet-dodger who is #NotMyPresident is back on Twitter, after previously being kicked off the platform for inciting a riot. Elon Mu*k reactivated the former President’s account after he bought the website, but up to now Orange Man had been happier sending “Truths” on the platform he owns himself: “Truth Social”.  Now he’s back, on Monday he took part in a friendly interview with M*sk on the platform. But the discussion was delayed by almost an hour, with *usk claiming it was hit by a cyber attack. The real “Truth Social” — the BBC — doubts this claim, citing a Singaporean expert prominently on their write-up who thinks a DDoS attack was “unlikely”, but thankfully buried the expert’s alternative suggestion for the tech issues near the bottom of the article, which was that the broadcast could have been glitchy because it was really popular.

да здравствует Россия!
Like Stop the War, I can’t believe that The Ukraine, instead of stopping the war, has actually escalated the conflict that rages in Greater Russia. At the start of the special military operation, Dictator Zelensky’s first provocation was letting armed peasants attack a mostly peaceful Russian tank column, who were probably checking if their Soviet-era maps were up to date. But he’s really done it this time by invading the territory of another sovereign state. The Russians have evacuated parts of Belgorod, in addition to the Kursk region that the Ukrainian Jackboot has been stomping all over. If the so-called Ukranians won’t think of the poor Russian children who have had to flee their actual homeland, perhaps they’ll think of their own children, who might be in those regions? After the Russian liberators entered, they rescued thousands of kids from the indignity of being Ukrainian and relocated them further into the motherland to recover in Russian children’s homes. But if the aggressors keep invading, those very same children might now again be hearing the softer and therefore less patriotic slavic tones of the “Ukrainian” tongue, bringing back dreadful memories of life before Uncle Vlad saved them. Zelensky could end the war tomorrow by simply raising a white flag and asking Jess Phillips to negotiate a ceasefire, but he won’t because he’s a zionist-puppet who loves violence and hates the motherland.

ET Phone Loan
It was a white man who said that society should be judged by how it treats its criminals, and although due to his race and gender we’re glad Dostoevsky is now dead, former Scottish First Minister Humza Yousaf still scored top marks on that score, after he kindly spent £6m of taxpayers’ money buying mobile phones for Scottish prisoners. As Justice Secretary in 2020 he was so generous that even though there were only 7000 inmates, he issued double that number of phones, just in case every con accidentally broke their handset at the same time. But the naughty lags, who are majority white men, did not repay the kind Mr Yousaf by being good little boys and only calling their families. Instead, they used the loaned handsets to commit thousands of unfortunate incidents like drug deals, hit jobs, and the fire-bombing of family homes. Perhaps Yousaf’s spurned trust in white males was what led to his #StunningAndBrave  “white white white” speech, where he noticed the problematic skin tone of everyone in Scottish public life — the same speech that has brought him to the brink of suing El*n Musk (which he definitely will, I totally believe he’s going to instruct lawyers against the world’s richest man.) Or perhaps he was just trying to create a better environment for former SNP bigwigs who have misplaced motorhomes? Sadly Yousaf’s tenacious dream — of prisoners being allowed to carry on their day jobs from the inside — has died. The phones were recalled and landlines were installed in cells, the cost of which the Scottish Prison Service refused to release. At least, like Grace Lavery, we can still dream of a better future, one in which no SNP member, however high-ranking, ever faces the indignity of justice — oops, I mean being Justice Secretary — again.