On She/Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Yousaf resigns and Lavery is maligned in another weird week of Scullionbait

Yousaf Goodbye, I say Hello
A once proud political party that ruled for over a decade and managed to legislate on almost every topic except the thing that its name might have suggested it would, now looks likely to lose the next election. But enough about the Conservatives. Poor Humza Yousaf, who showed promise back when he was trying to censor private dinnertime conversations as Justice Secretary — and really peaked when he made a #StunningandBrave speech attacking white people — has resigned. Whilst it was slightly problematic that he stood in front of two Scottish flags instead of PLO banners, at least he managed to shoehorn the people of Gaza into his goodbye speech. Scotland, which once boasted a government as stable as North Korea’s, has now sadly succumbed to English-inspired political instability. Although maybe the cold northern colony is more oppressed than friendly Middle-Eastern freedom-fighters? Since 1603 the Scots have not even had their own military. At least the well-stocked Palestinian regulars are hard at work fighting off their IDF colonisers.

Like an eighteenth-century missionary society, gender-critics are spreading Dr. Hilary Cass’s hateful bile to Scotland. Regrettably, Daily Mail-inspired culture wars have now hit the beleaguered vassal-state, like the shocking idea that children should not be dosed up on hormones without a medical reason. Now the Scottish NHS, once the envy of the third-world, has stopped prescribing puberty blockers to children referred by its specialist gender clinic.

Free the prisoners, duude
Female Professor Grace Lavery is rightly annoyed that an uncontroversial tweet the definite-woman wrote in 2022 has been revived and attacked by Elon Musk, as if the absolutely-a-lady was some kind of insane academic who doesn’t live in the real world.

All the not-a-man said was that crime should be abolished, not by increasing the number of police like right-wing authoritarians want, but by freeing all prisoners and removing all criminal law. Two years ago nobody batted an eyelid, yet now, with polls showing Donald Trump could hijack democracy again, the 100%-female-don’t-argue has suddenly become the victim of an online hate march.

How dare evil conservatives trawl back through our social media and find things we’ve said in the past to attack us with? 

Poor Grace was just 37 years old when the tweet was written, so we can forgive the genuine lady-woman for not quite appreciating that jails should still exist — but only for real crimes like misgendering and heterosexuality.


If you don’t understand this Tweet then maybe you’re part of the problem. To translate it into racist, it’s saying eskimo women get periods. Understand it now, bigot?

On She/Her Majesty’s Secret Service
Alt-Writer Steven Edgelord, who deliberately missed his scheduled lobotomy by not going to university, has noticed that the head of MI5 has pronouns in his Twitter bio. What of it? The real issue is that the spy chief’s pronouns are “He/Him” rather than something which would strike love into the hearts of our foreign friends like “They/Them” or  “Xi/Jing/Ping”.

When Edgelord’s interview with former LGBTQ ally Elizabeth Truss went viral, at least one commentator noticed that he was questioning her “from the right”. As every journalist who religiously listens to the Today Programme knows, you must never, ever do this. When a politician commits £4 billion to educate underprivileged LGBT equines, the only thing a hack worth their salt can say is: “Why not £7 billion? Do you hate queer donkeys, Minister?”

Edgelord has thankfully made our* island less hateful by leaving these shores to demystify remote Western bigots for nearby Northern bigots.

Aboriginal police released this photo of the suspects in 1770 (Photo by Samir Hussein/WireImage)

The right are so obsessed with stoking culture-wars about race and gender that they refuse to focus attention on important things like homelessness, poverty and food banks. Anyway, totally unrelated point but isn’t it just brilliant that Trinity College, Cambridge has
returned some spears to the descendants of the noble savages that they were taken from? Captain Cook’s men took them back in 1770 after an altercation with some aborigines whilst they were exploring Australia. The BBC even wrote an approving article for children on the historic handover.

U-turn to racism
Some roads in Cymru will revert to 30mph, following a backlash against the default 20mph policy that Labour had gifted the ungracious Taffs. This is a big setback in the plan to eliminate Cars pollution and Civilisation road traffic but it’s all the more disappointing considering the new First Minister is a Welsh socialist of colour who should definitely know better than to promote increased fossil fuel usage. 

It’s hard to imagine this level of racism without fossil fuel (Picture credit: Hulton Deutsch Collection/CORBIS/Corbis)

The historic relationship between Welsh fossil fuel extraction, racism and homophobia can be recited by every daffodil-clad schoolchild. As Welsh men engaged in their favourite pastime of coal mining, they became 10 times more likely to wear blackface and eat faggots for lunch.

Speaking of problematic food
I recently noticed a hugely powerful thread on all the food and drink that brave journalists have discovered are racist, like coke (marketed to white people) coffee (drank by white people) peaches (grown by black people) cheese (eaten by white middle-class people). To save time, most of the things you eat are racist, but if you’re white you can eat bagels because they are apparently socialist. From now on if you make a doctor’s appointment and don’t already have scurvy, it will be recorded as a non-crime hate incident.

* It belongs to everyone in the world, except JK Rowling

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